Shape A Star

Rizpah, my new heroine

2010-12-11T01:57:00.002Z

Below is a presentation I gave about Rizpah. There are a few different ways to read the passage, but I chose to read it according to the "little tradition" -- the tradition that roots for the little guys and that seeks after justice. I chose that reading of it because it was both the most compelling reading, and also the one that made the most sense to me in light of the exegesis (background-digging) I did. Rizpah's story is in 2 Samuel, chapters 3 and 21. And this was used as a part of a "ritual" for my Old Testament class that centered around silenced women in 2 Samuel and silenced people in today's world.

My name is Rizpah, which means ‘glowing coal’. It is an apt name, for my passion runs hot but it is subtle. And my passion is persistent. I do not speak in your scriptures, but you can see my slowly burning passion in my actions.

Early in my life I was passed around. I was Saul’s concubine before Abner took me as a pawn in his bid for kingship. I had two sons by Saul, whom I loved dearly.

I loved my sons.

And then one day David said that God told him to give my sons to be killed to pay a debt of blood. David said this sacrifice would save the people and end the 3 year famine. He said God told him this. Kings are fond of saying that God tells them things. And this time, it was suspiciously convenient for David – my sons and the five other boys that David took away to be killed were nearly the last of the male relatives of Saul.

I loved my sons.

They were taken against their will. They were humiliated and violently sacrificed. And their bodies were left to rot and be eaten by animals. I didn’t say anything. I just sat with the bodies. In silence. I would not allow the birds to pick at my sons’ bodies. But my presence there… my silence… was intended to let the birds of compassion pick at the conscience of the King. I said nothing. He could not write me off as a lunatic because I said nothing. He could not defend against me because I asked nothing. I just sat. In silence. For six months. I sat. In silence. Watching my boys be received by the earth.

You see, silence is powerful if it is chosen. I was forced into silence, yes. But even though my voice was taken away, I chose the power of silence to bring to light that which is hidden.

David, the high and mighty king, was ashamed. My persistent, strong, silent presence would not allow him to hide from that shame. He had humiliated and killed my sons, Saul’s family, for his own gain. I would remind him of that by my silence until he finally relented and buried the boys, Saul, and all of Saul’s sons, giving them the dignity in death that he took from them in life. My powerful, chosen silence brought him to that.

And the famine stopped – not when the boys were killed, as David had said would happen – but when David repented and buried their bones.

My name is Rizpah, and God heard my silence.

Sermon, Peter raising Tabitha

2010-04-25T14:01:00.003+01:00

Acts 9:36-43
Now in Joppa there was a disciple whose name was Tabitha, which in Greek is Dorcas. She was devoted to good works and acts of charity. At that time she became ill and died. When they had washed her, they laid her in a room upstairs. Since Lydda was near Joppa, the disciples, who heard that Peter was there, sent two men to him with the request, “Please come to us without delay.” So Peter got up and went with them; and when he arrived, they took him to the room upstairs. All the widows stood beside him, weeping and showing tunics and other clothing that Dorcas had made while she was with them. Peter put all of them outside, and then he knelt down and prayed. He turned to the body and said, “Tabitha, get up.” Then she opened her eyes, and seeing Peter, she sat up. He gave her his hand and helped her up. Then calling the saints and widows, he showed her to be alive. This became known throughout Joppa, and many believed in the Lord. Meanwhile he stayed in Joppa for some time with a certain Simon, a tanner.

GOD OF THE BIBLE (FRESH AS THE MORNING) (song)
(1., 2., 3. -- readers)

Fear of mortality underlies so much of our life and so many of our actions. I was watching an episode of Dr. Who the other day in which a genius of a man, a dying genius of a man, invents a way to keep human brains alive within human-shaped metal shells. He creates an army of these beings that he calls “superior” and creates a shell for himself to enter. But it becomes quickly evident that these beings are amoral and unfeeling – that they are not living beings in any but the most mechanical sense of the word. It’s interesting imagery to me, mostly, perhaps because it is not all that far off of our own human experience. We fear death, we fear pain, so we create a shell for ourselves – we arm ourselves in whatever ways we can.

1. We amass money and belongings to help us feel more secure. But can we, by our wealth, avoid death?

2. We stay close to home and keep our belongings and family safe. But can we, by our isolation, avoid death?

3. We consume indiscriminately because we fear scarcity and hunger. But can we, by our eating and consumption, avoid death?

1. We serve others out of the sense that if we are somehow good enough, we will be spared. But can we, with our virtue, avoid death?

2. We try not to offend, lest we be attacked. Or we quickly go on the offensive to be the first to hurt, to prevent the first blow from striking us. But can we, with our fighting or fleeing, avoid death?

3. We look to technology to connect us, to create a legacy for ourselves, to fill us with knowledge. But can we, with all our science, avoid death?

1. We grasp for control in interactions, we seek obsessively for precision and power. But can we, with all our perfectionism, avoid death?

Put that bluntly, it’s almost a silly question. And the answer, as I think we all would agree, is no. We cannot avoid death no matter what we do. There is no armor strong enough to protect us. And this goes for organizations and groups, as well. No amount of consultants and vision statements and fundraisers can keep away death when the time comes. No amount of money, control, or virtue can make us immortal.

So then, we are right to fear, yes?

GOODNESS IS STRONGER THAN EVIL (song)

2. Jesus says “Do not be afraid.”
3. Jesus says “Do not worry about what you will eat or drink or what you will wear.”
1. Jesus says “I have come that you might have life and have it in all its fullness.”
2. Jesus says, “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.”
3. Haven’t you heard?
1. Jesus is risen!

There is no shame in death, and there need be no fear in it, either. For we, are a resurrection people. Death need never have the last word. Brokenness need never be our ultimate reality. New life is springing up all around us.

I wonder what life would look like if we lived less out of our fear of death and more out of celebration of resurrection. We as Christians gather every Sunday for this purpose. We gather to remind ourselves of resurrection – to commemorate Jesus’ resurrection and also to celebrate the daily resurrections happening all around us. Brothers and sisters, we are here today to discover again how to live out the reality of our participation in resurrection.

We are a resurrection people. What would life look like if we lived less out of our fear of death and more out of our celebration of new life?

GOODNESS IS STRONGER THAN EVIL (song)

Perhaps to find an example of a resurrection life-style, we can look to the early church. Specifically, this morning, we heard a story about Peter and Tabitha. Early in the book of Acts, the disciples are living with a lot of power. I wonder if Peter ever looked at himself and thought “how did I get here?” Peter in the Gospels was always a bit of a foot-in-the-mouth kind of guy. He, with all his good intentions, tried to protect Jesus from death, and then to protect himself from death, putting on the same kinds of armor we don.

Jesus foretells his own death, and Peter wants to prevent it (incidentally, earning him the oft-quoted “get behind me, Satan”).

Jesus is arrested in the garden, and Peter tries again to prevent it by drawing the sword. Jesus responds by healing the wound Peter wrought and being led away.

Peter is asked at a dangerous time, on the morning of Jesus’ death, if he is a disciple of Jesus. He denies his connection with this outlaw, probably to save his own skin.

In the Gospels, Peter is often like us – a mortal all too aware of and all too afraid of death.

Peter of the early church, Peter after the resurrection is not an entirely different person – he is still brash and bold in his speech and action. But this much has changed – he knows with certainty that death will not have the final word. He is a child of the resurrection. And you know – you can’t stop children of the resurrection.

This new Peter acts with power, with confidence. And this Peter is not afraid to ask much and proclaim much. This Peter lives not under fear of mortality but in celebration of new life – new life seeping up in improbable places and bursting into the story when we are about to close the book.

GOODNESS IS STRONGER THAN EVIL (song)

When I first read this scripture for my sermon preparation, honest to goodness, my first thought was “oh, it’s just another resurrection story.” And then I listened to myself… “another resurrection story” I’ve never seen a physical resurrection. I’ve never even prayed for a physical resurrection. Resurrection is no small thing.

If we really put ourselves in Peter’s shoes, how many of us would have the confidence to pray over Tabitha as he did? How many of us would live powerfully enough to say to Tabitha “get up”?

And yet we know, with the wisdom of faith, that nothing, nothing, indeed, nothing is impossible for God.

We, beloved, are people of the resurrection. We have the assurance that life is stronger than death and that victory is ours through the God who loves us. But more than that, we have the calling to actively live as people of the resurrection in our daily lives. We, like Peter, are called not only to notice resurrection around us, but also to create resurrection around us, through the power of the God for whom death is a small obstacle.

Annie Dillard is often quoted as writing that if people knew what kind of power they were calling down every time they prayed, they would wear crash helmets to church.

We are called to live with that kind of power. We are called to believe that God asks us to participate in resurrection.
1. We can look beyond modest goals and aims.
2. We can strive for more than just hedging our bets.
3. We can ask beyond our expectations.
1. We can hope beyond what is rational,
2. and act in ways that would be foolish except in light of the resurrection.
3. We no longer have to arm ourselves to prevent death
1. We now are called to embrace life.

We are called, not to protect life through human graspings, but to create life through the power of the risen Christ. We can live powerfully in the assurance that nothing is impossible with God. Indeed, brothers and sisters, we must.

And it is a choice. Each and every day we choose between fear and love. Each and every moment we choose whether to foster death or to be co-creators of new life.

So I ask again, what would the world look like if we lived day-by-day as resurrection people?

GOODNESS IS STRONGER THAN EVIL (song)

Affirmation:
Let us affirm our faith:
WE BELIEVE THAT GOD IS PRESENT
IN THE DARKNESS BEFORE DAWN;
IN THE WAITING AND UNCERTAINTY
WHERE FEAR AND COURAGE JOIN HANDS,
CONFLICT AND CARING LINK ARMS,
AND THE SUN RISES OVER BARBED WIRE.
WE BELIEVE IN A WITH-US GOD
WHO SITS DOWN IN OUR MIDST
TO SHARE OUR HUMANITY.
WE AFFIRM A FAITH
THAT TAKES US BEYOND THE SAFE PLACE:
INTO ACTION, INTO VULNERABILITY,
AND INTO THE STREETS.
WE COMMIT OURSELVES TO WORK FOR CHANGE
AND PUT OURSELVES ON THE LINE;
TO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY, TAKE RISKS,
LIVE POWERFULLY AND FACE HUMILIATION;
TO STAND WITH THOSE ON THE EDGE;
TO CHOOSE LIFE
AND BE USED BY THE SPIRIT
FOR GOD’S NEW COMMUNITY OF HOPE.
AMEN.

Let us pray (adapted from Walter Bruggeman):

1. Holy God who moves this day toward peaceableness,
2. God of Jew and Greek
3. God of male and female
2. God of slave and free,
3. God of haves and have nots
2. God of the buoyant and the frightened
3. God of the tax collector and the Pharisee
1. You God who makes all things new!

2. We come to you this day in dazzled thanksgiving for the resurrection you have wrought in our midst,
3. Some we all know
1. Some we know secretly, so close to home
3. of transformations and healings and reconciliations
1. and the defeat of anger and hate and hurt.
2. We are dazzled and grateful, more than we can say.

3. God of all newness, we come to you this day in daring hope for healings we want yet to receive,
1. believing in them,
2. while the world says “not possible”
3. We dare imagine
1. Healings in Darfur
2. and peaceableness in Palestine
1. and trustfulness close between conservatives and liberals,
2. and caring between those who have so little and those who have too much
3. healings that can happen only by your good office.

1. Dear God of our waxing and our waning, we risk uttering the groanings of our hearts for reconciliation, sighs too deep for uttering.
2. we so deeply yearn for, but do not think possible,
3. not possible for the homeless and the homed to live together, but we groan
2. not possible for homosexuals and heterosexuals of all sorts to commune together, but we anguish,
3. not possible to move past our burdens of fear and brokenness, of abuse and weariness, not possible, but we imagine it,
2. not possible to be innocently alive with all the burdens we must keep hidden,
3. not possible, but we pray for your impossibility.

1. God of Exodus and Easter,
2. God of homecoming and forgiveness,
3. God of fierceness and peaceableness,
1. We are finally driven to your miracles.

2. This day, hear our urgency and do among us what none of us can do alone.
3. Do your Friday to Sunday act yet again and make us new.
2. We pray out of the shattering death
3. and the shimmering new life
1. of Jesus, whose name we bear.

And we pray in the words Jesus taught us: OUR FATHER…

I love Garrison Keillor!!

2009-10-04T21:50:00.007+01:00

http://www.salon.com/opinion/keillor/2009/09/02/healthcare/
Really funny, really true article about healthcare. Seriously, America, what are you doing?
(sorry I can't figure out how to get the link to work right... take the time to paste it in, though... it's worth it.)

Syrophoenecian Woman Sermon

2009-10-01T15:03:00.002+01:00

**Preached at the Abbey not too long ago. Again, if you use it or any part of it, please just let me know. =) And I'm always happy for feedback.

Mark 7:24-37
From there he set out and went away to the region of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know he was there. Yet he could not escape notice, but a woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about him, and she came and bowed down at his feet. Now the woman was a Gentile, of Syrophoenecian origin. She begged him to cast the demon out of her daughter. He said to her, “Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.” But she answered him, “Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.” Then he said to her, “For saying that, you may go – the demon has left your daughter.” So she went home, found the child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.

MAY THE WORDS OF MY MOUTH AND THE MEDITATIONS OF ALL OUR HEARTS BE ACCEPTABLE IN YOUR SIGHT, O LORD, OUR STRENGTH AND OUR REDEEMER. AMEN
We all know tiredness, times when physically we are exhausted, times when mentally or emotionally we feel as though we cannot take one more thing, times when we would like to hide from the world, rest and recover. It’s part of being human that our energies are limited, and part of living with others that sometimes the demand on our energies exceeds (sometimes far exceeds) our reserves.

It seems Jesus felt it, too. All throughout Mark, Jesus is trying to get away, trying to keep his miracles quiet. I’ve always been puzzled by that one – what good is it saying to a blind man, “don’t tell anyone that you can see” or a leper, “you are healed of your sores, but don’t let any of your friends know”? But Jesus does it. Those he heals he tells to be quiet about the source of their healing. And several times he tries to go away to pray and be by himself and he cannot – he sails across the Sea of Galilee hoping to lose the crowd, only to find that people have gotten to the other side ahead of him. The demands on his time and energy are enormous, at times larger than his reserves. His humanity seems to show in his tiredness. He needs a vacation.

So he goes away to Tyre. This is the farthest away from his hometown he is recorded to have gone so far in Mark. And his reason for going is not obvious. We know, though, that he entered a house not wanting anyone to know he was there. Maybe he had booked a room in a B&B or maybe a room in a rebuilt abbey. And maybe he sighed in relief when he put his bags down in the entrance hall and looked around him.

And what about the woman? We don’t know her name, but we do know that she was a local (Tyre was a town in the Syria / Phoenecia area). And we know she was a gentile who had a sick daughter. We can surmise a few other things: For her to have come to Jesus, she probably either knew and believed Jesus’ reputation as a healer, or she was at her wit’s end and reaching for a last piece of desperate hope. Also, if her daughter had been sick, possessed by a demon, she was probably tired, herself – the physical and emotional tiredness of the caretaker, the mental tiredness of the protective woman who cannot make her loved-one well.

Can you identify with either of these situations? Both of them? I have to say that at different times in my life I have identified more strongly with one or the other, but I can remember clearly a time when I identified with Jesus. I used to work in a therapeutic community for adults with mental illnesses like bipolar, depression, schizophrenia. I was essentially a house parent, so I spent evenings and mornings with these amazing, creative, compassionate, and often struggling folk. And because we were a community where everyone lived in the same neighborhood, lines between work and play often blurred (as they often do here). I remember one work shift in which I had split up two different arguments, fixed a toilet that was leaking through the ceiling, listened to a young man who was contemplating running away, and been awakened three times in the night by a woman who was having nightmares. I was tired anyway and after breakfast I was relieved to be going home for the day. And you know the walk… perhaps you’ve done it yourself… head straight forward, not making eye contact with anyone lest someone ask something of me, thinking “just gotta get home, just gotta get home”. I was nearly out of the parking lot when I heard the sound of a frame (walker for those of us American folk) rolling towards me and heard our oldest guest, Georgia's honeysuckle voice calling my name. “Laura”. I’m ashamed to say, I kept walking, hoping I had misheard her and knowing I hadn’t. She was persistent and got louder the second time. She needed my attention.

This, I imagine, is something like Jesus’ situation when faced with the woman at his door. In Matthew’s version of the story, he does almost the same thing I did, even keeping walking as the woman follows him. She is persistent and he turns to hear her. “My daughter is ill.” Mark’s version says she begs. What Jesus said next is a matter of much discussion. Was it an insult? Some say it was. Some say it was simply an image. I wonder if it was somewhere in between. Regardless, what he says is “let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.” I wonder if what he is trying to say, perhaps in unfortunate, I’m-too-tired-to-be-tactful imagery, is “My resources are limited. The time and energy I can offer to this world is restricted by my human form. And my purpose here is to serve the Israelites. I have people to minister to and because there are always more people to be healed than time and energy to heal, I need to be careful whom I give food to.” Or, in my story, “Georgia, please not now. I don’t have the energy, and you’re not on my case list, and what energy I have needs to go to the people I’m supposed to be serving.”

And yet the woman is persistent. She does not challenge Jesus’ sense of mission. She uses the imagery of the scarce food in her own reply, perhaps even in that acknowledging Jesus’ need for rest. “Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.” “Yes,” she says. “I get what you’re saying. But all I’m asking of you is something that is easy for you. I’m not asking for a feast, I’m just asking for crumbs. You’re not supposed to be serving me. I’m not part of your mission statement or long-range planning goals. But I’m here in front of you. And that’s important.”

Jesus responds by healing her daughter. He does not change what he does thereafter in his ministry. His mission is still primarily to the Israelites, his biggest target for rants is still the Jewish leaders, his travels are still primarily in the area of the Sea of Galilee and Judaeah. But he has set aside his mission for this one moment to minister to the person who is right in front of him.

And here’s the advice I hear in this story at this time: Be driven. Have a sense of purpose and mission and ministry. Let that guide you. And when you are tired, for heaven’s sake, take time out. Go away, maybe even far away, and maybe even hidden away, if you need to. But never forget that life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. Never forget that sometimes the interruptions, the unlikely connections, the inconvenient demands and ill-timed requests are actually urgently important parts of your ministry.

And further, I hear this acknowledgment, in the form of a quote from a wise friend of mine:
“I see the story as a story about sticky life that I can relate to, which isn’t tied up in ideals or platitudes – it’s a story to say to me: it’s okay, we are all trying our best. Maybe it’s not about being right all the time, but about persisting in the journey, figuring out how to balance all these different forces, continuing to try, doing the best we can muster in that moment, having the grace to know that our efforts are enough, and eventually, at the end of it all, getting some sleep.

I did talk to Georgia that morning, not so much because I wanted to as because I didn’t think she would let me go until I had talked to her. She wanted to ask a question about music, and after we sat at her tiny keyboard and I told her my answer, we laughed together about stories of her childhood and sang songs together, and generally had a really good time. At the end of our conversation, I was very glad she had stopped me, even if I was still tired and in need of a good nap.

We each have come here to Iona for different purposes, for different lengths of time, and from different places (perhaps this is even the farthest away from home we have been). Some may be badly in need of rest and renewal, as Jesus. Some may be seeking healing, as the woman in the story. Some may be working here or elsewhere and finding their own resources to be limited and needing focus, as Jesus. Or maybe you identify with a different part of this story. Whatever your circumstance, there is good news for you in this story. We are reminded to rest and enjoy time away. We are reminded that God heals and that persistence is rewarded. We are reminded that limitations are okay and that life is messy but still beautiful. We are reminded that even when people are tired and less-than-tactful, grace and connection are possible. And most of all, beloved of God, we are reminded that, though it is good to focus our energies and our ministries, real living often happens in the interruptions. Sometimes the most important ministry happens when we aren’t looking for it and happens in ways and with people we hadn’t intended. May we be open to the needs of the people around us this day, this week, and always, and may we find the nourishment we need to keep living and giving in the fullness God intends.

IN THE NAME OF CREATOR, REDEEMER, AND SUSTAINER, AMEN.

Mark 14:3-9 Reflection, used at Iona Agape Service

2009-10-01T14:51:00.002+01:00

**I realize I haven't posted for a while... I'll do more sometime soon, I hope. And I haven't yet actually used this reflection, so I don't have a sense of how it actually works in a congregation, but... for what it's worth. Please feel free to use it, if you find it helpful, but also please tell me if you use it. =)

Reader: While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard.

1: Who is she?
2: Where did she come from?
1: What’s the perfume for?
2: Why has she come here?
1: We’re just sitting down to dinner
2: She better not make a scene.

Woman: He acknowledged beauty in me, and I knew it was a risk, but I had to give something back. Where other people picked up quickly on my brokenness, he learned my name and saw me as whole. I gave what I had. It didn’t feel like enough. It couldn’t. But it was something.

Reader: She broke the jar and poured the perfume on Jesus’ head.

1: Yep, she did it. She made a scene.
2: Why did she break the jar?
1: Why did she waste the perfume?
2: Silly girl, you could have gotten a year’s wages for that.
1: It could have been used so much more practically.
2: You could buy a car for that.
1: You could have put it in savings.
2: You could have given it to us.
1: Or at the very least, you could have given it to the poor.
2: And now we’ve got to clean up the mess.
1: Silly, wasteful girl.

Woman: They scolded me, but how could they know? Who were they to judge? I gave as I knew how. Strong perfume, great beauty, from a broken vessel. It wasn’t about the money for me. It was about the gift. And it wasn’t about an effort of will. It was an outpouring of gratitude.

Reader: Leave her alone. Why are you bothering her?

1: We’ll tell you why we’re bothering her.
2: We’re practical.
1: We know the figures about the sinking economy.
2: Good money shouldn’t be wasted on pretty things.

Woman: Acknowledging beauty in the midst of brokenness is never a waste. Giving of oneself is never a waste. Beauty is always a risk, though. Giving is always a risk. Love is always a risk. I gave what I had. I knew the risks, but I had to give anyway.

Reader: She has done a beautiful thing for me.

1: Society sees numbers
W: God sees beauty

2: Society points out brokenness, spilled-ness, emptiness.
W: God points out wholeness, fullness, a cup overflowing with goodness

1: Society values achievement and security
W: God values generosity and love

2: Society says, “Be careful”
W: God says, “Live the life that truly is life”

Reader: She has done a beautiful thing for me.

1: Society says, “Take care of your own”
W: God says, “Love your enemies, and risk everything for the kingdom”

2: Society craves money and success.
W: God craves loving spirits and beautiful actions.

1: Society says, “be smart”
W: God says, “I will use the fools of the world to shame the wise”

2: In society’s eyes, we mustn’t make a scene, we mustn’t be extravagant
W: In God’s eyes, no generosity is to be ashamed of, and no love is too extravagant.

Reader: She has done a beautiful thing for me.

Woman: Have you seen it? Have you encountered beauty that silenced you in awe? Have you heard it? Have you heard someone calling your name and calling out the beauty in you? I did. And I had to respond. I had to give because God’s goodness is too wonderful to keep hidden. What risky beauty will you offer? What extravagant love will you pour into the world?

God showing off

2009-07-02T10:01:00.002+01:00

How do I describe it? It was a triple full rainbow... the main one had a second, fainter one just below it (touching it, one bow, two rows of colors). And then there was a smaller but still full rainbow a fair bit below it. You could see the "ends" of the main rainbow, and one end hit Iona just behind the abbey, and the other end hit Mull. It looked like it was spanning the sound, and from where we were standing, the abbey was nearly exactly centered underneath all three rainbows. Incredible. Breathtaking. That night was also the most spectacular sunset I've seen in a long time. It seemed God was saying, "look what I can do!"

And then there was the day when the service leader had planned a service all about rain -- about the love of God being like rain that falls on everyone, and about the ways we try to protect ourselves from the rain / love of God. So all the songs talked about water and rain, the scripture was about living water. It was shaping up to be a good service, but it really needed some atmospheric cooperation to be as effective as it could be. And all day it didn't rain. And it didn't look like it was going to rain. But then... for the 10 minutes before the service as people were walking to the church, the heavens opened and we all got absolutely soaked. The rain stopped sometime in the middle of the service. The service was fabulous, and I laughed at God for showing off again. ;)

My favorite memory from last time I was here was of us slogging through several very wet and miserable days before finally we got a morning that was entirely clear and sunny. The pianist played "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" at the end of the service for postlude, and as soon as we stepped out of the church to go back to work, it started raining again. Again, I chuckled at the object lesson that even rain can be beautiful.

One more thing for tonight...

2009-05-30T23:22:00.003+01:00

Yay Obama!
(Obama speaking about abortion at Notre Dame University in Indiana)
Respect, forthrightness, honesty, encouragement, empowering... all while talking about a hot button issue at a school that could have a very hard time with the issue...
So refreshing, especially coming from a representative of the government.
Clear honesty doesn't have to be confrontational... it can be life-giving. Thanks, Obama, for the example. And thanks, Meagan, for pointing this link out!

Pentecost Hymn

2009-05-30T22:57:00.002+01:00

Can be sung to any 10 10 11 11 meter tune... like Hanover...
And it's a John Bell special -- copyright 1992, 2002 WGRG (yes, as musician at the Iona Community, I'm getting appropriately anal about copyright)

God's Spirit is Here

God's Spirit is here that never alone
the followers of Christ need face the unknown.
The fount of all living is leading the dance,
dismantling old systems that earth might advance.

She banishes sin, eradicates fear,
lets hesitant faith affirm God is here,
til, living like Jesus and blessed by his name,
we bind up the broken and lift up the lame.

She defuses hate and raises the dead,
becalming life's storms removing all dread.
So that we might serve God, confirmed from above,
she tests us with fire and aflames us with love.

So seek out the lost, and share out the pain,
and love at such cost that all rise again.
God's lamplighting spirit is dancing the way
through dark into dawning, from night into day.

May it be so.

"Where are you from?" sermon

2009-05-25T19:45:00.002+01:00

This is the sermon I preached at Iona last Sunday... In case anyone would like to read it...

John 17:6-19
I have made your name known to those whom you gave me from the world.
They were yours, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word.
Now they know that everything you have given me is from you;
for the words that you gave to me I have given to them,
and they have received them and know in truth that I came from you;
and they have believed that you sent me.
I am asking on their behalf;
I am not asking on behalf of the world,
but on behalf of those whom you gave me, because they are yours.
All mine are yours, and yours are mine; and I have been glorified in them.
And now I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world,
and I am coming to you.
Holy Father, protect them in your name that you have given me,
so that they may be one, as we are one.
While I was with them, I protected them in your name that you have given me.
I guarded them, and not one of them was lost except the one destined to be lost,
so that the scripture might be fulfilled.
But now I am coming to you,
and I speak these things in the world
so that they may have my joy made complete in themselves.
I have given them your word,
and the world has hated them because they do not belong to the world,
just as I do not belong to the world.
I am not asking you to take them out of the world,
but I ask you to protect them from the evil one.
They do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world.
Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.
As you have sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world.
And for their sakes, I sanctify myself, so that they also may be sanctified in truth.

Staff members here tend to get asked the same questions over and over again. “What do you do here?” “How did you come to Iona?” “What are you going to do after this?” And, most often “Where are you from?” And I can’t really blame people for asking those questions, as they are also the questions I find myself asking the most – they are good ways to begin conversation and to begin to get to know a person.

I have been reading the book Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach. The tractor-mechanic messiah of the story carries around a how-to handbook, and one of its instructions is this:
“The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about them once in a while, and watch your answers change.”

So, where are you from?

My answers to that question have been changing through my life and even as I’ve been here. When I was younger, I could answer that easily, as my whole world revolved around the place I’d lived all my life. But as I move and travel, I have more and more places that have shaped me, more and more places where I have left a bit of my heart and gained a bit of my soul, more and more places I could rightfully say I am “from.”

And as I answer that question repeatedly, I find that the sense of being “from” a place has more to do with roots than with geography. It has more to do with belonging than with amount of time spent in a place.

Also in answering that question repeatedly, I have realized how much of identity is shaped by where a person is from. Culture, values, and ways of relating are at least partially products of where we each are rooted.

Where are you from?

The human condition is such that we are all rooted in something beyond ourselves. We seem to know what is right and good even if we don’t see it around us. We struggle to find some reconciliation between our infinite souls and our limited bodies. We, as humans, have an innate yearning that draws us toward something more than we find ourselves able to grasp. We catch glimpses of the eternal even as we live in finiteness.

I think this is what this morning’s scripture is trying to get at. We as humans know that we are “from” somewhere else, rooted in something beyond us. And yet we are in this world. We are living in a culture that is ours and yet is not ours. And it can be a struggle to know what to do with that.

Where are you from?

In my growing-up denomination, I often heard the exhortation, “be in the world but not of the world.” It has taken a long time to find some comfort with that statement, as it can often be used as a cop out – you are not of the world, so you don’t need to take care of it. In fact, you can reject it or disdain it.

But John’s passage, convoluted though it is in parts, encourages us to be in the world as Christ was in the world. Christ came to heal and set right, to challenge and bewilder, to touch and comfort. Christ did not disdain the world nor detach himself from the world. Christ put himself fully in the middle of it. No, we need to take very seriously our task to be fully engaged in the world.

And the other part of the statement is equally true – we are not only of this world. We are rooted in something beyond this world. We are rooted in God and in God’s vision. We are from a different place. And we are called to live the values of that different place. We are called to live the upside down values that we know in our depths are true, even if they don’t seem to make sense in this world.

(Pause)

Since I’ve been here, living in a culture that is different from where I consider myself to be from, I have found myself having to make choices and ask questions of myself. What parts of my original culture are important to retain and what parts are important to change? Do I soften my accent so that people can understand me better? Or do I keep my accent and realize that sometimes communicating might be more difficult? Do I continue to put peanut butter on my bananas and face the stares and conversations that might come? Or do I give up that small enjoyment to fit in better? And in many other more significant ways, I have to ask myself “which values do I cling to, and which values do I conform to?”

This, but on a much larger scale, is what we face, brothers and sisters, as people who belong to a God who is bigger than this world. And these are rarely easy decisions, rarely black and white answers.

Do we support wars when they seem to be the only option? Or do we stand against all war?
How much do we buy into consumerism, when to buy in could make connection easier and when not buying in could set us apart?
How much do we participate in the model of “hard work and money equals success”?
In what ways do we use internet and other technology?
How much do we sacrifice and set ourselves apart, and how much do we join and conform?

What decisions have you made recently? What values did those decisions reflect? Can others tell, through your decisions, that you seek a world ordered by God’s values?

We cannot opt out of this world, because to do that would be unfaithful to the call of Christ to stand with the naked and the hungry, the poor and the neglected. We cannot opt out of this world because it is God’s world and God has called it good. But we also cannot forget that this world is not our only home.

We must take hope in God’s promise to be ever with us, to guide our decisions. We must draw strength from the encouragement and accountability that surrounds us in each other. And we know truth when we see it – it resonates in us, and it sanctifies what it touches. The same way we know a “home” when we find it, we know truth and Christ-like living, because we are from that larger reality.

(Pause)

This morning Christ comes to us in the things of this world, food and drink and people gathered, transforming the ordinary into the eternal – or perhaps drawing forward the eternal that is already present.
Through this meal we choose to recognize both our presence in this good world, as well as our participation in something beyond this world.
At this feast we once again commit ourselves to be in the world as Christ was in the world, living and breathing, loving and working.
At this feast we once again remind ourselves that we are not only of this world – we are children of God, rooted in upside-down kingdom values.
As we are nourished by a sense of where we are truly from, we are strengthened in our hard decisions and encouraged in our Christ-like living, even when it is not popular or easy.
Indeed, brothers and sisters, it is good that we are here.

God's sense of humor?

2009-04-10T08:26:00.003+01:00

The Iona Community, one of the most well-known ecumenical communities in the world, is having huge celebrations for Holy Week and Easter. These include lots and lots of music, lots of choirs and sings, and no piano or other instruments on Friday and Saturday, so all singing is a cappella.
And the musician (yes, that's me) has completely lost her voice, for only the second time in her life.
IT'S NOT FAIR!!
But speaking of Lent as a time of stripping away, especially Good Friday and the Saturday... I throw up my hands, take stock of who I am and what makes my life tick, and realize that I can do essentially nothing but wait...
Sometimes God seems to like object lessons.

Buchanan Street in January, part one

2009-01-18T20:17:00.003Z

I was walking down Buchanan Street in Glasgow on Saturday, one of the main commercial sections of the city, and found lots of people busking along the street. For nearly the whole walk up and back down the street, I was either in sight or earshot of a street performer.

A violinist / fiddler playing reels and jigs.

A group of 10 percussionists with various sizes and shapes, drumming and swaying together.

A man making the best balloon sculptures I've ever seen (Sarah... ever considered busking with balloons?).

An accordion and a violin playing Salley Gardens.

A guy playing guitar and singing.

And, the best of all, two bagpipers and a drummer, in full Scottish regalia, simultaneously playing and doing the motions to the Hokey Pokey.

Impressive. It made me want to learn an instrument that is a little easier to take on the streets than the piano... because all those performers almost had me dancing down the street. And if you watched people walk, many times their steps would change to fit the beat of the music, unintentionally but unavoidably. Music is like that. It gets into you when you're not looking and connects you to people you'd never even noticed before.

Posts and snow

2009-01-18T20:11:00.003Z

It's been a while since I posted regularly. And suddenly, I have a stockpile of topics for posts and a bit of time and motivation to write them. However, since I don't want to bombard you, I'll set them to be posted at intervals... just warning you. =)

By the way -- it snowed today in Glasgow. White, huge, gorgeous flakes that melted immediately on the ground. But it was such an amazing sight to see, second only to the full rainbow over the abbey in the hail. Those of you who are up to your eyeballs in snow and sick of it, I'm not trying to rub it in, but I do miss snow. Send us some, okay?

Peanut Butter

2009-01-18T20:07:00.002Z

Peanut butter is not as common here. Put peanut butter on bananas in Scotland, and you'll get comments, day after day, week after week. And when you don't get comments, you'll get "is she crazy? what's she doing?" looks.

But, oh, there's something much better than peanut butter here... it's hazelnut chocolate spread. And since it goes on toast, it's permissible to eat it for breakfast... peanut butter or chocolate... peanut butter or chocolate... it's quite the dilemma, but I say, if you can't have them together (another frowned-upon combination here)...

I like chocolate! =)

Bull Horkey

2009-01-07T10:45:00.005Z

What a title for a post, eh?

So in a discussion the other day someone said to me "no one can make you feel anything", a phrase I've heard before in my work in mental health, and a phrase that I hate. And in the last few days I've been thinking about why I so vehemently dislike the phrase... Here's what I've come up with...

First, the things the phrase attempts to say that I do wholeheartedly agree with:

1. There's no sense in being a victim -- in many ways, for most of us, and in most day-to-day cases, victimhood is an attitude, and not a very effectual one. So blaming without taking responsibility for your own part in something (even if it is how one reacts to emotions) is bad strategy.

2. There are not always one-to-one causal relationships between one person's actions and another person's feelings. Lots of factors go into the creation of emotions, including past emotions and situations, personality types, learned meanings, etc.

3. A person does have an amount of choice in the messages that (s)he tells him/herself about emotions and situations, and thereby a choice in whether emotions get escalated or acted out or dealt with effectively. A person certainly has full responsibility over how he or she reacts to emotions through behaviors.

4. One person should not have to (and indeed cannot) protect another person completely from emotions. Emotions happen.

5. I'm all for "I statements", as they are usually the most effective way of coming to understanding about emotions -- all I can say with certainty is that which pertains to me and my point of view, and assumptions and blame assigning are dangerous.

Now for the reasons I think it's a bunch of bull horkey:

1. Emotions are not controllable, at least not in their pure forms. Emotions are primal, and usually pre-verbal to begin with. The statement "no one can make you feel anything" most often carries with it an idea that the person with the emotion can control his or her initial emotion, which I believe is quite incorrect. (controlling initial emotion is very different from controlling internal messages about the emotion and controlling reactions based on the emotion) Besides that, it puts too much pressure on a person to say that all emotions can be controlled -- it gives too little permission for emotions to come and go, as they inevitably do.

2. We live in a world in which there are not always direct causal relationships. However, we work on probabilities. If probability is 99% that if I go outside when it's raining then I'll get wet, then we know that to avoid getting wet, I should avoid going outside. To say, "but there's 1% chance that you won't get wet", doesn't negate the probable causal relationship. Therefore -- if I do something that I know has 85% chance of annoying you, it is reasonable to assume that, if I don't want to annoy you, I shouldn't do it. So, though it's not a one-to-one, action-causes-emotion relationship, it's often a probable causal relationship -- enough to be able to predict probable results. (Enough of the math side of it...)

3. It's a cop out. If we really believed that "no one can make anyone feel anything", we wouldn't care about compassion or justice. We wouldn't need to liberate the oppressed, because the oppressors "can't make the oppressed feel oppressed or shamed or any other negative emotion" -- the oppressed could just choose to feel something else. We wouldn't worry about the golden rule, if we truly believed that statement. To say "I can't make you feel anything" just lets me off the hook of taking responsibility for being part of the cause. (notice I say "part")

4. Most often this statement comes out when someone is feeling something and another person is not wanting to take responsibility -- not a good time to say this satement, as it is only going to be inflammatory. In relationships, this is simply not a helpful way to approach this subject, because the reality is much more complex than just a slogan.

K... enough of my ranting... I do like having this blog sometimes because I can get on my soap box when the people around me are not wanting to hear it, and it still allows me outlet... so thank you for indulging me in blowing off steam. =)

And tip -- don't ever say this to me. Say it, if you feel you must, but probability is 95% that I will get supremely annoyed with you if you do. ;)

I live next to Macbeth

2008-12-18T13:36:00.003Z

Yes, supposedly it's true... Macbeth, along with most of the other old kings of Scotland, is buried across the road from my house. I get to walk past Macbeth every morning. I'm not sure if Lady Macbeth is there. I also get to walk past the effigies of the Duke and Duchess of Argyll every day on my way to work. And this morning I accidentally put a bunch of my papers on top of one of the old Abbot's faces (there are two abbots' effigies in the front of the church), without thinking, on my way to help put the Christmas tree up. No need to worry -- I did apologize... =) I am getting used to the thought of being around graves and gravestones, though. Ghosts, I'm not yet sure about.

There lots of ghost stories around here -- several have reported seeing monks, even having conversations with monks, when there aren't any monks on the island. One of our resident staff members says she saw a white-robed monk and thought "I saw the wrong monk ghost", but then realized that Columban monks wore white.

Also there's the story of the sacristan who came into the abbey late one night to find a young sailor with a trench coat kneeling by the communion table. Out of respect, the sacristan didn't disturb him, but came back the next morning to find a puddle of water and some seaweed that comes only from the deep part of the ocean. Puzzled, he went about his business. Two days later, the body of a young sailor, wearing a trench coat, and with the same kind of seaweed, washed up on the shore of the island and was buried in the cemetery across from my house.

And then the story of St. Oran... which I can't remember at the moment, but it involves St. Oran dying, being buried, years later being dug back up by his followers. When he was dug up, he was still alive but was blaspheming and speaking vilely, so they promptly buried him again. Yes -- he too is buried across the road from my house supposedly.

So last night, when I was walking home alone in the dark and nearly out of power in my torch (aka flashlight), and I heard a yowling... I was quite relieved to find it was just Lily our abbey cat. As much as I think monks are lovely people, especially Columban and Benedictine ones, I'm not terribly keen to see one. ;)

And it's one thing to say you don't believe any of this malarky, and entirely another to not be occasionally flustered at the thought of ghosts, on a dark and windy night, in a place with centuries upon centuries of history.

Yesterday was weird...

2008-12-09T09:38:00.001Z

You ever have those days where everything's just a bit off?

Yesterday was weird.

I remembered I had a phone call to make, an hour after I was suppose to make it.

I remembered I had a song to lead in a workshop, 15 minutes after it was supposed to have started.

I remembered that dinner was 15 minutes earlier than usual, 15 minutes late for the meal.

I remembered that I was supposed to put some Christmas cards in the mail, a half hour after the post office closed for the day.

Yesterday was weird.

Thankfully nothing was too terribly messed up. I did have some apologies to make... and was thankful that everyone was gracious about it.

Here's hoping for a better day today...

My Favorite Season

2008-12-08T20:18:00.003Z

When people say "What's your favorite season", I usually come up with something traditional like "spring" or "fall"... the trouble with that, though, is that those answers are constantly changing. I don't know what my favorite natural season is.

However, what I really have to bite my tongue to keep from saying when asked that question is "ADVENT!!" I usually save that answer for when I am surrounded by other church nerds like me...

Really, though, I love advent. Actually, I love advent more than Christmas (though I love Christmas, too). This year, especially, as the days get very noticeably shorter and shorter and don't start getting longer until -- you guessed it -- Christmas(ish), I could hardly wait for the time of preparation that means that Christmas is coming. Gee, whoever thought of the image of Christ as the light coming into the darkness must have lived in Scotland.

Also here where I don't have radio or TV or shopping malls or even decorated stores to bombard me with commercialization around Christmas, here where the signs of Christmas come first in the Isaiah readings for morning worships and in the lighting of advent candles on the table in the chapel, here where the supply of good Advent songs nearly outstrips the supply of good Christmas songs, I am having a field day. I love advent.

I think it's the journey that I love. I think it's the waiting, the practice of patience that is providing an exciting challenge. I think it's my English major's love of symbolism that has me wide-eyed, noticing so much more. It's like being on a train ride across the States -- so much to see on the journey that the destination becomes only part (albeit a wonderful part) of the whole.

And this time around, I get to help prepare worships and help other people think through what advent means. And I get to dig around in music, and when I find gems, I get to share them and sing them with other people.

(By the way, check out Sing the Journey if you get a chance -- a Mennonite Hymnal Supplement -- look for My Soul Cries Out, which is the Magnificat to the Star of the County Down tune, and look for Helpless and Hungry, which is a splendid countermelody to What Child is This.)

So if I've inspired excitement for advent in you, go out and get yourself an advent wreath and play with fire a bit and read good things and sing good songs... (but if you do, make sure your candles are 3 purple and 1 pink... not 4 red like over here...) and think of me. =)

Worship at the Iona Community

2008-11-23T15:27:00.003Z

We have worship twice a day here -- at 9am before work and at 9pm at the very end of the day (things change in winter, but that's the routine for most of the year). I'm finding it very important to me to have the day framed by worship and prayer, even on the days when I'm not particularly paying attention or feeling prayerful. It reminds me that God is here no matter my experience, that my day is filled with God and goodness, whether I notice it or not -- indeed, whether I want it or not. I'm reminded of Psalm 139:

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there, your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me
And the light become night around me,"
Even the darkness will not be dark to you,
The night will shine like the day,
For darkness is as light to you.

Now add to that the fact that, as I sit writing this at 4:05pm, the sun has set, and it won't return until 8:30 tomorrow morning... it's nice to know that even the darkness is as light to God. =)

For all of this -- God's presence everywhere, the days framed by worship, the light in the midst of the dark -- I am immensely grateful.

Language Casualties (warning! adult content and language...)

2008-11-19T12:43:00.008Z

1. Yesterday in the grocery store: "unsmoked joints"

2. A week ago in staff conversation: "where can I get some rubbers?" "There are lots of them in the cabinet in the front office. Help yourself."

3. Last time I was here in my words... oops: "Wait just a moment. I need to go get my fanny pack."

4. I've been trying to be really good at this one, but slipped up in talking about my murder mystery costume: "I think I'm just going to wear some black pants tonight. Does that sound okay?" (insert here shocked and then bemused faces of my housemates)

5. Last time I was here, in the words of a vollie: "I'm dying to suck a fag." (insert my shocked and confused face and a quick sputtering of explanation on his part...)

6. Last week at Dunsmeorach, conversation between my housemates: "We're going out. You coming?" "Yeah! I'm just going to get my glad rags on first, though."

And now the keys to those conversations, in case you need them... rubber = eraser, fanny does not equal bum, joint = a cut of meat, fag = cigarette, glad rags = dressy clothes, and, of course, pants = underwear.

Babies and choirs...

2008-11-03T15:17:00.003Z

I've been thinking lots about babies lately... One of my friends is struggling with having lost a baby and all the grief that means, another of my friends is newly pregnant, another of my friends is very much wanting a baby but being able to have one seems unlikely. And there is a cute little kiddo that's part of the community here...

I've also been thinking lots about choirs lately... I lead about three or four different choirs a week, now, most of them full of people I've never met before...

And I have to say that there are some uncanny similarities between the two. (Didn't see that one coming, did you?) =)

I'll let you make most of the connections, but the biggest one I was learning last night was how much of a mirror babies and choirs are. I was directing a choir and realizing that they sounded very proper and were hitting all the right notes and making good sounds, but that they were very rigid and horizontal in their singing. As I tried to think of why, I realized that this is something that I, myself, struggle with, and I further realized that I had been teaching in a very horizontal manner. They were simply imitating something I was unconsciously demonstrating. It was amazing the way my choir mirrored to me something to improve in my own self and way of being.

Kids do that too, don't they? They have such a knack at making us notice things in ourselves, simply by their imitation of us. It is indeed a frightfully wonderful thing to be a part of a child's learning.

And choirs... perhaps a bit less frightful, but still quite wonderful. =)

So, what does the musician do in the winter, exactly?

2008-10-31T17:02:00.001Z

Funny you should ask... another good question that I seem to be getting a lot lately...

The answer is, I'm not sure. I am the first musician they've ever had stay through the winter, so no one is quite sure. I do know that one possibility that I'm trying to work out is for me to go to Glasgow and work with the Wild Goose Resource Group / John Bell / Graeme Maule during January.

We also have guests for at least 3 weeks in the winter, including Christmas, at which time there is a big celebration leading up to Christmas and including a Christmas eve service, Christmas morning service, etc.

Resident staff also often take their vacation during that time.

And I plan on practicing as long as I can in the refrigerator-like abbey (last night as I was teaching the songs, I could see my breath... thank goodness for the portable electric heater by the piano and my housemate who is an expert at knitting fingerless gloves...), and I have a lot of investigating to do before I am familiar with what all is available to me in the loft in terms of resources. I also want to do some more organizing and planning of possible Big Sing and Wee Sing and workshop material before the season starts in earnest. It's been very easy so far to work 60 hour weeks, so any pre-planned stuff I can do during the season will be good.

And then, if all that happens and I'm still bored (doubtful, but...) there will only be two housekeepers, so I might just help them a bit...

Winter schedule starts in a week. Here we go! =)

By the way, I'm loving my job (in case you were wondering). I get paid to do all the stuff I love to do, especially the teaching about sacred music and the playing piano and directing choirs. More later. I'm off to take a nap.

So what does the musician do, exactly?

2008-10-29T05:00:00.003Z

Funny you should ask... I seem to be getting this question a lot... ;)

Here's what I've figured out so far:

1) Arrange music for all services each week -- 2 services a day, 13 a week that require music
1a) that means accompanying hymns myself and / or get someone to fill in for me (on my day and a half off each week)
1b) and that means getting people (resident staff, volunteers, and guests) to help me with music, adding instrumental or vocal solos or ensembles where appropriate.
1c) and that means that I rehearse those groups / solos
1d) and it also means that I arrange parts for instrumentalists when there are no appropriate parts for the songs

2) Lead a Big Sing every Sunday -- this is an overview of the music of the Iona Community (or some subset of that)

3) Lead one or two Wee Sings every week -- these are essentially choir rehearsals for guests, with the added adventure of never knowing how many people or how good of musicians I will have at any given rehearsal

4) Lead workshops on how to teach music / incorporate music into worships at home... or how to take Iona Community music with you.

5) Be available in the shop once a week to answer questions about Wild Goose Resources

6) Keep the music loft organized and continue to gather resources, keep all musical instruments in the loft in good working order

7) Collect and transcribe any music that people give me from other cultures (to pass along to the Resource Group)

8) Lead a Staff Choir every Saturday -- this is especially fun because (as opposed to all the rest of this) I generally know who's going to show up and what to plan for, and the staff this year are really quite good singers.

9) Be a good community member -- including doing dishes when needed, leading activities (ceilidhs, concerts, pilgrimages), chairing meals, leading meetings now and again, going to meetings, and going to at least 11 of 14 community lunches and dinners, etc.

And I probably am doing other things that I'm forgetting to list... and am probably not listing things that I'm supposed to be doing but haven't figured out yet... But that's the gist of it. =)

Winds of Change on a Small Island...

2008-10-27T14:13:00.002Z

So you realize just how isolated island life can be when the power goes out...

The winds have been very strong -- 60-70 miles an hour (and fairly sustained... no wonder there are few / no trees) and they have been from the south. South winds are a problem because they mean that the ferries can't run to take people to the next island over (Mull). It also means no "post" (mail) or food deliveries... and this week it meant no guests for an extra day or two. Besides that, we were without power for 26 hours on Friday and Saturday because the wind knocked down one of the transformers on Mull.

During that time, with no ferries running, no phones working, no e-mail or skype, no mail, I wondered how people lived on an island like this in weather like this without electricity... Incidentally, by the time the power outage was over we had burnt most of our candles and no ferries also meant no candle deliveries... And then I realized that people do it / did it by living in community -- people really band together during those times because no one has any other choice.

And at the end of the power outage, when the lights came on in the middle of a candlelit dinner with friends huddled in coats against the cold, people immediately groaned in disappointment and rushed to the light switch to turn the lights back off... We were, however, quite thankful that the power outage didn't last much longer than it did.

Today the winds have changed. We now have regular ferries and more guests arriving (a tad grumpy at first but glad to be here at long last). Today's wind is from the north, which is the cold but dry wind. Perhaps tomorrow we'll get the wet east wind... It certainly is another way of living close to the land -- again, without much choice in the matter, but certainly with much blessing.

The saying "my rock of refuge, my stronghold in times of storm" has grown in meaning for me over the last couple of weeks. The temperature is not that cold -- we are supposed to have snow tomorrow, but I think this is the first time in many many years that snow has been in the forecast. Generally the temperature is in the 40s. It's the winds that make it feel cold. I haven't been knocked completely over yet, though I came close once. And when the wind is from the south, on my way to the abbey to work, I come to a place where I can't breathe when the wind is whipping around the side of the abbey. But five struggling steps later, there is no wind at all because of the shelter of the giant stone building. It's an amazing feeling. Rock of refuge, indeed.

PS -- Have you ever thought of what a strange word "outage" is? I never had until some Brits pointed it out... leave it to the Americans to make a noun out of an adverb by tacking on a suffix...

Update long in coming

2008-09-11T16:16:00.003+01:00

Lots has happened this summer... and lots is yet to happen.

I got a job in Scotland with the Iona Community, an ecumenical Christian community focusing on teaching and living Celtic Christianity. My job is to be the musician on the island, and so to provide music for 11 worships a week, to teach the songs of the Iona Community to the people who come on pilgrimage, and to foster the pilgrims' musical talents, finding ways to use those talents in worship. I look forward to being there again (I was a housekeeper there about 4 years ago and visited again this summer), and I look forward to being paid to do music full time. I love the music of the Iona Community (it is widely known internationally as some of the best worship music in the world), so it will be an honor to teach it and to be in the middle of it. I love living in community as a lifestyle and I was wondering if I would get a chance to do it again after Gould Farm. I am also quite ready to leave Gould Farm, as I am getting slightly too big for the community and slightly tired.

However, after having gotten the job, I then applied for a visa and have not heard back from the British Embassy in NY. So I have trained my replacement in my current job (they hired her shortly after I announced I would be leaving), and my last day of work is today. I have two-ish weeks to get out of my apartment and one month before my health insurance runs out. Thankfully, I haven't sold my car yet... All of this, and I have no visa to actually go to Scotland.

So my backup plan is to go to seminary at Andover Newton Theological School in Boston for a year -- I got accepted and have been trying to delay my commitment there until as late as possible. The catch there is that classes started at the beginning of this week and the add-drop day is this coming Monday.

In the mean time, I can't really pack and store my stuff away, as I don't know where I'm going -- Scotland and Boston require entirely different sets of clothes, supplies, etc. So my apartment is in shambles at the moment. Also, Iona is trying to be patient without a musician, but they are having to stretch really far to cover it. So they are re-advertising the position and will start interviews again on Sept 23. They didn't say it, but the implication is that I have until then to hear something about my visa before they hire someone else.

So here's my plan -- I have a US Representative willing to help me who will call the Embassy on Friday for me. I plan to go sit in on classes next week and, if I don't hear about the visa (I will continue to get any Senator / Representative possible to come to my aid), I will either go to Boston to begin classes or find another job in the area (depending on financial stuff). Any of these choices seem okay to me, especially as I have a support network here and elsewhere that is not going to allow me to fall flat on my face. But I really really really still want to go to Iona... so I'm praying that all of that works out. If you have prayers to offer in that direction, please do. And if you have advice about how to deal with the British Embassy, I'm totally game for that, as well.

Also, as I am moving to who-knows-where, I hope to keep up a bit more on this blog -- hopefully twice a month or perhaps more. So keep checking it, all you who have given up on my ever writing again...

And, some of you have asked how I am going to run the marathon if I am in Scotland... well, if I don't get a visa in time, I'll try to still run the Cape Cod Marathon, but if I do get a visa, depending on when I hear about it and when I go to Scotland, I will run the Loch Ness Marathon that runs the length of Loch Ness. If that doesn't work out, I'll try to just run 26.2 on my own in solidarity with the Gould Farm marathoners. Our blog is run4gouldfarm.blogspot.com , and from there you can donate on our firstgiving secure online donation website. So far so good on fundraising -- thank you to all who have supported our efforts already!

That's enough for now. Let me know if you have questions or wonderings or such...
Much love!

Not my pictures, but good ones nonetheless...

2008-06-11T22:10:00.002+01:00

The following are pictures of some things I'm seeing around me here in Scotland...
be envious... be very envious. ;)

Puffins, cute puffins.

The village on Iona

The nunnery ruins

The abbey (where I'm staying and where we worship twice a day)

The inside of the abbey church

St. John's cross

The cloisters of the abbey

The island of Staffa (where you find puffins and Fingal's cave -- the Fingal's Cave of Mendelssohn's music)

Scotland, here I come!

2008-05-25T04:03:00.002+01:00

My father's seminary class is going to the Iona Community, the intentional Christian community I worked in for a summer as a housekeeper... and Dad is paying my way to go along... Holy cow!

So off I go, back to the 3 mile by 1 mile island that is a ferry-bus-ferry transit from the mainland of Scotland; back to the island where work and worship intermingle in tangible and enriching ways; back to the island where the ancient and the current are constantly in creative dialogue, where faith is both contemplative and dynamic, practical and transcendent.

Och, aye, it will be a trip to remember. Perhaps I will love it so much again that I will simply not come home...

Running for Gould Farm!

2008-05-05T03:24:00.005+01:00

Finally, we've gotten around to starting to be official with a new adventure... so I don't have to keep biting my tongue quite so hard. ;)

Another GFer and I are training for a marathon (all 26.2 miles of it) in Cape Cod in October. At least five other GFers are also running the marathon as a relay. As added incentive and sense of purpose, we're all raising money to support Gould Farm and to raise awareness of the farm and mental illness.

So you'll hear more about this along the line, but for now, know that, though our blog is just a baby and our fundraising hasn't quite started, we'd greatly appreciate any support you want to give us and the farm -- commenting on our blog or checking out the Gould Farm website or educating yourself and your friends about mental illness are all great. And, of course, if your support comes in the form of money or powerbars or yelling encouragement along the route, we'll be thrilled.

Here's the Gould Farm website, the Cape Cod Marathon site, and our "Running for Gould Farm!" blog (The link to our blog will also be perpetually on the sidebar, should you want to look at it again later.)

Marcel who?

2008-03-31T00:33:00.005+01:00

So I keep hearing the name "Marcel Proust" -- twice recently in episodes of Gilmore Girls, twice in episodes of LOST, a few times in the movie Little Miss Sunshine, once this morning on NPR, and two weekends ago in the musical South Pacific -- and I'm finally curious enough to actually look it up... Does anyone know anything about Proust? Is he someone all educated people are supposed to know about or something? Here's what wikipedia has to say about him.

Running Meme

2008-03-30T02:10:00.004+01:00

Part one -- top five reasons I run:
1) To keep in shape -- my weight doesn't always go down, but I love the way my body looks and feels when I'm doing well with running.
2) To de-stress -- nothing like pounding the pavement and running until my heart hurts and I am too exhausted to punch anything even if I still wanted to, to get stress out of my body.
3) Because it looks cool -- I have to admit that I like it when other people see me run because I feel proud of the fact that, just by running at all, I'm doing something most people don't / won't / can't do.
4) To develop discipline -- I am constantly using positive self-talk when I run, and I find that the more I practice there, the easier it gets to do in other parts of life.
5) It doesn't take a lot to run -- just shoes and either a treadmill or a road (as MummyDearest said) -- which means that, unlike other modes of exercise, I have much less excuse not to just get out there and do it.

Part two -- top five running lessons:
1) Pay attention to your body -- it's important to know what kinds of discomfort are growing edges and what kinds are warning signs.
2) Stretch even if it seems boring and takes what feels like a really long time.
3) Having concrete goals is important to me, as is having people who know of my goals and can help keep me enthused / honest about them.
4) There's a really cool website that helps figure out running routes -- so you don't have to drive all the roads in the area fifty million times to find just the right length routes. In Indiana, it was much easier... yay for roads perpendicular and exactly a mile apart.
5) Yay for iPods on long runs (as MummyDearest said) -- no explanation necessary.

I'm supposed to tap fellow bloggers to do this, too, but I don't know many bloggers who also run... so, sarahesperanza, if you still run every now and again, you're my first... and, uh, how about eruditelitite -- have your hubby post on your blog?... And anyone who reads this and wants to post on their blog, just include a link to your blog in the comments section...

Christ is risen!

2008-03-23T16:03:00.003Z

He is risen, indeed!

My favorite Emily Dickinson poem was used in church this morning, and I include it here as my "thing to ponder on Easter Sunday":

Tell all the truth but tell it slant,
Success in circuit lies,
Too bright for our infirm delight
The truth's superb surprise;

As lightning to the children eased
With explanation kind,
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind.

(ps, the above is probably not the correct punctuation / capitalization... I'll get the correct version up soon)

Indeed, it is through coming round and round and round to this time of year, through the seasons and the sermons, the experiences and the exhortations, that we begin to see / experience / know Truth bit by bit. Blessings in living this Easter. Blessings in the gradual dazzling of Truth.

Enough of you have asked...

2008-02-17T02:51:00.003Z

This...

is a "hairy coo", aka a highland cow. (coo, because that's what it sounds like when a scottsperson says it)
I used to wander around Mull and Iona saying "hi, coo" and thinking myself very clever... get it? ;)

cat breath

2008-02-09T22:55:00.001Z

I had one of Gould Farm's famous feta / pesto / tomato pizza pieces last night, and it had two whole cloves of garlic on it. I'm a garlic fan, but 2 whole cloves is still a lot to consume straight up. So I picked them off and left them on a plate on (what I thought was) a non-cat-reachable place in my apartment. Later I looked and they were gone, as I had feared, into one of my cats' stomachs.

Later enough for me to forget about that, I smelled something really pretty potent. At first I was afraid it was me or something outside my window or something stuck in my wall... I kept smelling and it seemed to come and go... I soon noticed that it coincided with the appearance and disappearance of Gabby... I smelled my cat, and the mystery of which cat had eaten the garlic cloves was instantly solved.

Now the only mystery left is how to get a cat to eat a breath mint... A full twenty-four hours later, she still smells awful.

MLK, Jr Day

2008-01-22T03:46:00.000Z

All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thank God for that man.

New Fun Stuff

2008-01-09T04:23:00.000Z

Notice the new links on the sidebar --

Free Rice is a website that supposedly donates 20 grains of rice to feed the hungry for every vocabulary word you get right... I mostly do it for the vocab practice. Sometimes I think most of the world's wrongs could be set aright if enough people knew enough vocabulary to express themselves and generally communicate well... But then I notice in the mirror that I look a little too Orwellian, and I back away from my soap box. Ah the life of displaced English majors.

The program tailors the difficulty of the words it gives you, based on which words you get right or wrong -- very cool. Thanks to my Latin knowledge, my highest level so far is level 43... yes, I'm bragging. Thank you, Miss Hardebeck (my Latin teacher who told us she had had half her brain taken out... true? I don't know. It seemed feasible.)

I also added the link to the seminary I took a class from last semester (Andover Newton in Boston). It's one of my top three picks of seminaries at the moment, though, I find that my ranking seems to change every year or so.

och, aye!

2008-01-09T04:18:00.000Z

I miss puffins
and sea kayaking
and hairy coos
and sheep
and Dun I
and excellent mead
and duvet covers
and ceilidhs
and jetty seals
and all around good craic...

A gold star for you if you can guess what/where I'm talking about...
I had a puffin on my back once.
And the traveling bug has officially bitten me.
What's keeping me here, again?

New Link

2007-11-09T02:35:00.000Z

Brown Box Sister A, a really good college friend and current high school English teacher and excellent writer, just started her own blog. So check out the link to Erudite Lit-ite on my sidebar. =)

Popkale and Potato Day

2007-10-24T23:31:00.000+01:00

I love the farm. We keep having quintessential farm-type gatherings lately...

Children were interpretive dancing in the living room with plastic hard hats to piano, flute, and violin celtic music played by our incredible musicians

2-year old Benjamin was helping 97-year old Roma with her breakfast

"Popkale" (kale baked in oil and salt) is a delicious way to eat the obligatory kale... it ends up very crispy and tasty... and many people congregated around eating it straight from the bowl

Potato day is Friday -- the whole farm (staff, guests, admin, resis, farmers... everyone) goes to the field to dig potatoes and, evidently, get prizes

Come visit. I think you'll fall in love with it like I have over and over again!

Liminal spaces

2007-10-19T03:06:00.000+01:00

One farewell
One application to a new job
One engagement
Three deaths (one funeral)
Three birthdays
All in one week

No wonder I feel a bit like I'm reeling.

It's been a liminal week (look it up... it's one of my favorite words).

Sunday I stood by the bed of a saint (Mary) who was actively dying. (I have a wise friend who worked at a hospice for a while and noted that the reality of "actively dying" made her consider what it means to "actively live". I found that to be true for me this week.) Mary's daughter and son-in-law (two foundational and incredibly faithful members of my church), three women from my church (including our pastor), and I encircled her, sang to her, prayed with her, massaged her feet, wrapped her in love. It was one of the most humbling and sacred experiences of my life.

Also on Sunday I heard about the engagement of two lovely people. Tizzy and Joel, in a story that is funny in its foiled attempts at romantic-ness, got engaged in Cape Cod on Saturday. We all knew it was going to happen -- we were simply wondering when. We don't have to wonder anymore. They are a great couple!

Monday morning Mary died. She had been an incredibly wise and admired woman -- a pastor's wife, a co-director of Gould Farm, a matriarch of the town and the church -- for a total of more than ninety years. She was ready to go, and her death was dignified and a blessed release. It will be hard for her daughter and son-in-law, who have devoted the last many years to caring for her. Prayers for Sally and Steve would be much appreciated.

Tuesday I found out that Monster Librarian's (a former farmer) father died suddenly and tragically. I don't know her father, and I am only beginning to know Monster Librarian, but I can only imagine a piece of what it must feel like to lose a father as a young adult. Prayers for her would be much appreciated.

Wednesday I said farewell to a good friend at the farm -- TSOldtimer is headed off to magnificent adventures. Kudos to him for having the courage to journey onward and the faith that it'll turn out alright (heck, maybe even splendidly!). And fooey on him for leaving. (And his birthday is coming -- one of the birthdays I mentioned because I picked out his present this week.)

Today, after I got home from sending two birthday presents (one to my dad, one to a dear friend (part of my college brown box sisterhood) in Chicago), I applied for a different job on the farm that would put me assisting our nurse, essentially working second shift (perfect for me right now), working a more sustainable job and schedule, and joining the clinical team while still working side-by-side with my beloved resis. It's a good change, but it's also been a lot of domino-effect-type-stuff to think about -- this will affect several people (not least of which being myself) in several ways, and I feel like I don't even know the half of it yet.

Also today, I got an e-mail that said that one of the influential people of my childhood died at the age of 91. Brother John, another saint in my book, was a minister by personality who never stopped ministering (it simply wasn't in his constitution not to minister). He was one of the people who knew of my sense of call to ministry early on. He was a respected leader in the district, known for speaking the truth in love. He will be missed.

Saturday is the funeral for Mary. I'll play for it, and I find it an honor to be able to serve her and her loved ones in that way.

And I pray that next week will be a little more normal... I love the word "liminal" because I love liminal spaces... but, boy, do they take a lot of energy sometimes!

Congratulate me...

2007-10-06T22:09:00.000+01:00

I'm officially finished with my first paper of my grad school career. And I'd forgotten how gratifying it is to say "yes, that's good" and hand over your very own creation. I love writing... why don't I do it more often?

fall's exhibitionism

2007-10-06T22:04:00.000+01:00

I love fall around here. It's not necessarily that the colors are better (though they might be... I'm not sure). But we certainly have more trees.

My favorite is the vine that, after six months or so of living quietly and camouflaged on whatever trees and posts it can find, bursts into the brightest red I've ever seen in leaves. Suddenly, as if it's tired of being anonymous and wants a new identity, it pops out everywhere -- it quickly becomes the most prominent (and, in my opinion, beautiful) thing along the road.

Red Barn Tag Sale

2007-10-05T15:36:00.000+01:00

Tee-hee.
The red barn has essentially been condemned. So it's a good thing that it's stacked to the rafters on the second floor with rotting furniture. It's the Walmart of junk (and every once in a while, a few treasures), so come to the Columbus day tag sale where we hope that some suckers will come and give us some money to take away our stuff. It should be a cultural experience. Now Candy doesn't have to threaten to burn it down anymore. ;)

Best quote in the last couple of days...

2007-10-05T15:34:00.000+01:00

"Blanket generalizations are always bad."

The guy who was saying this was pissed at me and essentially yelling it... so I didn't bother to point out the obvious problem with this statement... But it did make me suppress a chuckle.

Backing up a couple steps...

2007-10-03T23:36:00.001+01:00

I just realized that I've made a couple references to my class but I haven't "set the stage" for them yet...

I'm dipping my toes in the balmy (if a little labor-intensive) waters of seminary by taking an online class through Andover Newton Theological Seminary in Boston. It's a UCC seminary that I'm looking at as a possibility for the future.

The class is called "Shame, Guilt, and Forgiveness," it combines theology and psychology, and its four major papers are all literary analysis with emphasis on the topic of the course. The books / stories for our papers are "Revelation" (Flannery O'Connor), "The Death of Ivan Ilych", A Touch of the Poet (Eugene O'Neill), and The Scarlett Letter.

In short, it's a perfect class for me right now! I'm loving it so far, and I'm teaching anyone who is interested all about the things I'm coming across.

For example -- some defenses against shame are the following: rage, assertion of power, righteousness, perfectionism, envy, withdrawal, defeatism, and transfer of blame. One author says that shame, when confronted without resorting to these defenses, can actually be very redemptive -- so, though it's an inevitable part of being human (a result of having an infinite spirit and a finite body), it doesn't always have to be destructive, and, in fact, most religious conversion experiences have an element of resolution / redemption of shame.

Interesting, eh?

Whimsy-poem, courtesy of TSOldtimer

2007-10-03T23:36:00.000+01:00

"Your teeth are like the stars," he said
And pressed her hand, so white.
He spoke the truth, for like the stars
Her teeth came out each night.

August and September Reading List

2007-10-03T20:19:00.000+01:00

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (JK Rowling): A very worthy (if a tad bit cheesy) ending. I was having a hard time imagining an ending that would be true to the themes / points she was developing -- but she did it well (in my opinion). Worth reading, lots of action (sometimes too much).

"Revelation" (Flannery O'Connor): I'm hooked -- I'd been told to read stuff by her before, told that I'd like her. I just got around to it, and I loved this story! She draws great characters that end up looking ridiculous but not so ridiculous that the reader can let herself off the hook. Great, fun, hard-hitting social commentary.

Wild at Heart (John Eldredge): A book about Christian masculinity with good themes and ultimate points. I had a hard time with the battle imagery, though. That language softened as the book went on.

Shame and Guilt (Tangney and Dearing): Book one for my class. Excellent book. It ends up saying that shame (blanket judgement of the whole self) is much harder on a person than guilt (judgement of the action)... among many other interesting studies and topics.

The Death of Ivan Ilych (Leo Tolstoy): Very dark, very good. My first paper for my class is on this book. When you read it, notice the dynamics of shame -- it's quite fascinating. Don't ever read this book in January or February.

Books on Tape:
A Short History of Nearly Everything (Bill Bryson): Started out great, but I have limited tolerance for history / science books, and he ended up getting wordy and dry by the end. He does have lots of ideas of ways the world's going to end, though... And he's pretty amusing, on the whole.

Message in a Bottle (Nicholas Sparks): sappy romance, sad, not terrible writing, though nothing earth shattering.

Ethan Frome (Edith Wharton): Excellent, sad, dark, lots of stuff about shame in there... Set in a town about 20 minutes away from me. Another book not to read in January or February.

House of Mirth (Edith Wharton): I'm glad I listened to it rather than read it -- some of the descriptions got long. But on the whole, I really like her books. I'm becoming more and more of an Edith Wharton fan (I've also read Custom of the Country and Age of Innocence). More about shame and guilt in this book, too... I tell you, it's everywhere!

Shame and guilt (and, eventually, forgiveness)

2007-09-30T21:28:00.001+01:00

Shame: I suck.
Guilt: I made 17 mistakes in 15 minutes.
Response to shame: I am never doing this again. In fact, I'm never going to show my face here again.
Response to guilt: I will practice more next time and apologize to Fr. Anthony.

So which do I choose? In reality, most of the time, both. Today, mostly the former.

My class (theology, psychology, literature all rolled into one) is fascinating. I'm learning lots and procrastinating lots and reading lots and generally loving it. And it's incredible how many times shame / guilt / forgiveness comes up in my day-to-day life.

More later. For now, I'm off to get over my shame before work time by watching a movie or doing something else equally mindless.

power of music

2007-08-14T05:30:00.000+01:00

"Speaking of the harmony of music, I should like to say that the true harmony of music comes from the harmony of the soul. That music alone can be called real which comes from the harmony of the soul, its true source, and when it comes from there it must appeal to all souls.

"It would be no exaggeration if I were to say that music alone can be the means by which the souls of races, nations and families, which today are so far apart, may one day be united. The musician's lesson in life is therefore a great one. Music is not expressed through language, but through beauty of rhythm and tone which reach far beyond language. The more the musician is conscious of his mission in life, the greater service he can render to humanity."

~Hazrat Inayat Khan, "The Mysticism of Sound and Music"

June and July book list

2007-08-04T22:29:00.000+01:00

The Last Summer (of You and Me) by Anne Brashares -- a good romantic novel with a nice plot, written by the author of the Traveling Pants books. This one is much more mature than those, but all of her books are good, I think.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (#6) by JK Rowlings -- good read, book candy, I didn't find it as good as some of the first ones, but still very worth reading.

The TurnAround Mom: How and Abuse and Addiction Survivor Stopped the Toxic Cycle for her Family by Carey Sipp -- fairly good, helped me continue to understand my job and the guests better, much of the advice is "common sense" that can be hard to follow. It helps to make some sense of some of the cycles and reasons for their perpetuation.

Book by Book: Notes on Reading and Life by Michael Dirda -- written by a former Washington Post book reviewer, almost a journal of his favorite books and quotes along with a few expositions on the importance and meaning of reading.

Girl with a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier -- very good, another romantic novel with a good plot and historical pieces to it. Good movie, too.

Lying Awake by Mark Salzman -- elegant portrayal of a Carmelite Convent and of the dilemma faced by many who have religious experiences that are tied to illnesses -- how does one decide whether or not to treat the illness, and how does one understand the nature of the religious experiences? Beautifully written, best book I've read in a while.

Books on tape:
The Amber Spyglass and the Subtle Knife (two different books of His Dark Materials Trilogy) by Philip Pullman -- very good books, though the final point of them was different than I thought it would be. Interesting treatment of spirituality and religion. Very much worth reading (or listening to).

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom -- cheesy, as I thought it would be, but still and okay book. Essentially good lessons that I'm sure were better learned from Morrie himself than from the book -- the book simply encapsulates what is too big and mysterious to be simplified, and it all ends up feeling cliched.

Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe -- I understand why it's a classic of sorts. Well written and a good story. All the same, I didn't really like it all that much (though I can't put my finger on why not).

Mis Gatitas and my neighbors

2007-08-04T22:12:00.001+01:00

Mummy dearest and BigBro, two of my neigbors (LilSis and Hubby, being the other two). See MummyDearest's blog for more and better pictures. It's so fun when BigBro comes to "Lolie's home".
Then, Gabby -- my cuddle-butt with a permanent grumpy face (don't be fooled!). She's three and a half now.
Then, Elsa -- too curious for her own good, sometimes... Two and a half years old now.

Catching up on pictures...

2007-08-04T21:41:00.000+01:00

A long time ago, I promised pictures (of what, now I can't remember). So here I am finally fulfilling my intention... And you are going to get quite a few pictures with very little relation to one another, I'm afraid. But, better than nothing, eh?

Aww... aren't I cute? This was in the winter. You should see my freckles now!

"downtown" Monterey

Broomball (see earlier GF dictionary post for explanation)

Gould Farm summer and fall prettiness

Come back! (wirgin, clemmy, tizzy, bearded vet, and kt with Patron -- all former GFers)

Cute cow-lets

Patron, farm parrot -- Cigarette, anyone?

When I flap my arms, I can fly.

2007-07-26T03:27:00.000+01:00

Is it not the business of the conductor to convey to the public in its dramatic form the central idea of a composition; and how can he convey that idea successfully if he does not enter heart and soul into the life of the music and the tale it unfolds?
~John Philip Sousa

The act of conducting in itself, of waving my arms in the air and being in charge, I didn't miss. I missed the sensual pleasure of being in contact with music.
~Esa-Pekka Salonen

Och... I miss conducting.
~me

Second home owners and my evil twin

2007-07-24T03:17:00.000+01:00

I have it on good authority that Monterey, the town in which I live (towns out here are more like counties out in IN), has 75% of its houses belonging to second home owners who come in from New York on holidays and in the summer. And that's the pattern all over the Berkshires. I think I've written a bit about this before and about the conundrum in which it puts the service workers and "natives".

And every year so far (all two of them) I've forgotten about the hundreds and hundreds of people who come in the summer until I drive through Great Barrington in mid June or (in this case) mid July, at which point it's simply impossible to forget. Many of them have very different attitudes -- many of them are the upper crust and are used to things the way they want them and pronto; many of them are used to being assertive, bordering on (and sometimes crossing the border into) agressive; many of them can get kinda annoying.

The ironic thing is, though, that I sometimes find myself mimicking the exact things I complain of. I was standing in line at a store and someone, who didn't know where the line was supposed to wait, cut in front of me because of the confusion. I was less than polite with the man and the cashier, even though I was in no hurry -- I had a full hour left to get the errand finished.

Now, there are summer folk who do cut lines, though perhaps not maliciously, at least with full knowledge and intent. There are summer folk who like to complain ad nauseum and who teach their children that they "NEED" two flavors of ice cream in a danish cone immediately. And it is also true that I am terribly annoyed by those kinds of behaviors. But I had no evidence of any ill will in this man who cut me. And, more to the point, even if I did have any evidence of that, I did not act charitably.

So, I sat down after the moment had passed and thought about sucking it up and going to the man and apologizing. Unfortunately, I didn't get up the courage until he was already gone. But, man out there, if you read this, know that I'm sorry.

And the point of my musings on this topic -- I was reminded of a few things I know to be true (and thus I pass along the reminder):
1) I get to choose how I respond to things. No one forces me to do anything (New Yorkers do not force me to be annoyed or to respond snippily, no matter what they do).
2) I should always apologize if I think to myself, "If I had that moment to relive, I would have done that differently." And I should do it, even if it means saying, "I really had no excuse."
3) Generalizations can be dangerous.
4) Bad attitudes can be catching -- I need to surround myself with the kind of people I want to be like, and, when I can't, I need to find different ways to encounter people so that I don't catch the bug.
5) Dishing out tit for tat doesn't teach anyone anything -- least of all, me.

More later, but for now -- signing off with that sappiness...

Froglegs for breakfast, anyone?

2007-07-08T16:21:00.000+01:00

So my cats are pretty wimpy sometimes -- they don't really hunt so much as bat things around; they go outside if the door's left open, but they refuse to step a paw off the porch and into the wet / dirty grass (thank goodness for me... it means no trying to coax cats out of the bushes and back into the house). They are indoor cats, through and through.

But this morning... I came in from being at work all night to find my two precious kitties rubbing against my legs.

"aww... you guys are so cute... alright, sweethearts, let's get you some food, you precious--- eww! ick! bleck! *shudder* iegh! *lemon face*" That was my morning conversation with my two lovelies, as I almost barefoot stepped on a dead frog with its arm missing in the middle of my living room. Gabby was mighty proud of herself and stood right by the frog for a while to make sure I saw it and complimented her properly. "yes, darling, what a nice gift! But I'm pretty sure I don't like dead frogs as much as you evidently do... so next time, maybe a box of chocolates or something?"

I'm torn -- on the one hand, I'm touched by their generosity... and, for these indoorest-of-all-indoor cats (Elsa once was nose to nose with a mouse, sniffed it for a good 30 seconds, and then walked away as it sauntered back down its hole), it is actually a rite of passage -- their first successful kill of a non-insect. So, I'm sorta proud of them.

On the other hand, I'm not looking forward to any more of these gifts, and I hope they don't get much better at hunting... How do you tell your kitties that you don't really like froglegs for breakfast, while not undermining their offering?

And it makes me wonder if parents have this dilemma... If so, froglegs or no?

Yet another couple of links...

2007-07-03T14:36:00.001+01:00

Two former *sniff*tear* Gould Farmers have great blogs -- it's becoming a phenomenon, eh? So I put on the right sidebar a couple new links. Itizzy was a kitchen manager and left not too long ago, despite our protests. Monster Library Student was also a kitchen manager and a RSS manager and probably other things that I'm forgetting. She left a while ago, but it sounds like she might get sucked back in. Bwaa-haa-haa... GF has a tendency to do that to people. And I'm not complaining, since I keep losing my friends right and left to adventures in the world beyond GF... wait... there's a world out there? I sometimes forget.

So I hope you enjoy their blogs.

Teacher-schmeacher...

2007-07-01T01:17:00.000+01:00

I love teaching piano.

I currently have three students in various stages of learning piano (and more asking for lessons... but, on a wise friend's advice I've set my limit at three for now). They are all working pretty hard and eager to learn whatever I can teach them as quickly as I can teach them.

But one of the interesting things about teaching is that it requires a certain amount of listening to yourself... I feel much more obligated to practice piano now... and, when I do practice, to do the kind of tedious practicing of one or two measures at a time that I keep harping on for my students. And the "it's better to do some practicing every day than to do a lot of practicing all at once" thing...

Yeah. So I'm finding it can be annoying and hard (and yet very rewarding) to be forced to listen to your own wisdom (and the inner piano-teacher-of-the-past voice... thanks, mom, for the great foundation!). It is certainly improving my piano skills!

Speaking of which, I think it's time to practice...

uh, oops...

2007-06-30T18:58:00.000+01:00

The link to Monica's blog says something about discretion required...? So I'm going to delete it for a bit until I can figure out what's going on.

New link

2007-06-30T14:18:00.001+01:00

Kt, a really good friend who was at the farm during my first year here, has a blog for her random thoughts and musings (which, by the way, are often more profound and funny than random). She is an excellent writer, also, so her posts are definitely worth checking out. Fifteen feet, incidentally, is a scuba diver's level of decompression -- see her explanation of it for more.
Kt, you're awesome!

A+B=Blaaaaaaahhhh!!!

2007-06-28T01:03:00.000+01:00

So I'm pretty unabashedly, undeniably type A. I like things in nice neat piles, I like to organize and delegate ad nauseum, I know where everything goes (even though it's not always put there, it all has a place), I stay busy and get things done quickly and well, I keep track of every last detail.

And then there's half of my team, who are type B... I find that when I encounter them, especially when I am planning some event with them, I become super-A (a personality sometimes verging on my evil twin).

My team decided (a week before the 4th of July) that there should be a full day of activities. And they further decided that M and I should plan them. No sooner had the meeting adjourned than M and I sat down and met. Twenty minutes later, I had a flier prototype and a to-do checklist ready to go -- I'm headed into my weekend and the last thing I want to do in the middle of my weekend is to have to plan farm activities.

I was proud of myself.

Then I encountered my teammates -- I said "there's a checklist" and M said "why do we need a checklist? we can just communicate". I thought (but didn't say, though I should have) "that's precisely what I have done -- communicate."

I said "can you announce this tomorrow?" K said "why tomorrow? there's a whole week left." I thought "but why not tomorrow? There's only a week to drum up enthusiasm. Besides, how hard is it to announce something?" I said "aaarrrggghhh. I'm going to take a walk."

I said "here's the schedule." J said "I can help." I said "okay. what do you want to do?" J said "I dunno. I'll let you know eventually." I left. "no worries" they all say. "it'll just happen." in the mean time it's me that's making it "just happen."

Blaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

I give up. I've done my part for now. I'm letting go and I'm going to be bitter about it (oh, wait... does bitterness mean that I've let go? ;)) and I'm going to pretend that it will, in fact, just happen.

Whine, complain, gripe, moan...

Did you know that type A people have higher incidence of heart disease? I'm convinced it's because there are so darn many type B people in the world! ;)

Tribute to Bearded Vet: Now That's Living!

2007-06-27T18:18:00.000+01:00

Today I was driving through Great Barrington, a cute New England large-ish town, waiting for someone to finish a doctor's appointment. I got myself an icecream cone that was dribbling down my fingers by the time I got to the car because of the heat. I climbed back in the car and turned on the radio, which happened to be playing ragtime music. I sat and watched a bumper-stickered Vermont car drive by and two labs stick their heads way out the window to stare at me. I watched a man in a lime green shirt walk by with his two young daughters skipping beside him. I watched an older couple saunter down the street arm in arm. I watched many other people move a little slower than they might have normally because of the heat -- linger a little longer and perhaps notice a little more. And all of this was to my own personal soundtrack of Scott Joplin. Ah... Now that's living.

Harry Potter

2007-06-27T13:51:00.000+01:00

I usually am very wary of fad books. In my experience, they almost never are all that they're cracked up to be. Thus, I didn't touch the Harry Potter series until about a year and a half ago, and in fact I tended to poo-poo them. But then I finally caved and read the first one, mostly to prove to the world that I really wouldn't like it.

But I did. I couldn't put it down, just like everyone said. It was book-candy: a great story without too much density but fun all the same. It doesn't use my academic brain but does engage my imagination.

So, six books and how many hundreds of pages? later... I'm actually waiting excitedly for number seven to come out and the fifth movie to come out and feeling slightly silly about it all.

I am impressed with how the books grow as the characters in them grow -- these are truly books you could grow with as an adolescent, reading each book when you are Harry's age and encountering a lot of age-appropriate and socially important themes.

Besides that, though I never imagined saying it, they are just quality books for anyone looking for something fun to read.

Put up or shut up...

2007-06-23T22:22:00.000+01:00

And I chose... shut up. Thus, I will tell you all about it.

I was training for a marathon (26.2 miles) and was really excited about the training schedule I had and about the duration of my motivation -- I was on schedule for almost 6 months.

Then I tried to cure my aching arches with Dr. Scholls inserts... and everything went downhill from there (except not the pleasant, "whee" kind of downhill that gives energy on long runs...). I ran 1 mile in the insoles and had to take them off and lay them by the side of the road because of the blisters they were giving me. (not necessarily the Dr. Scholls inserts' fault... maybe just my persnickity feet's fault...)

Then I went to visit mom and dad. I was so excited that I was actually able to, more or less, keep up with dad on his 5 mile run that I neglected to notice my blister, which was open and not doing well. We got back to the house and I looked down to find a full half of my right shoe had turned red with blood soaked all the way through to the outside.

So I stopped running for two weeks to allow it to heal. Then, because my momentum was gone, I didn't get back the motivation to run for another week. And, as my track coach used to say, it takes two weeks to gain back what you lose in one week of not running...

So the last two weeks, my vacation weeks, were my self-dubbed "put up or shut up" weeks. I gave it a good effort, I think... And I had the heat of Iowa as a bit of an all-too-easy excuse not to run, but I also had the extra time of vacation as a good reason to run my little heart out. But in the end, I just couldn't do it. I'm still able to run fairly impressive distances, but there's no way for me to get back on schedule for any marathons this year.

But never fear... I haven't given up that easily. I'm hoping to find a mini to run (or, failing that, create my own mini-mini just for me), commit to running over the winter, register for smaller races along the way, and try again next year. Perhaps there will be a marathon in my grad school town that I can enter...

I have learned much from my attempt. One -- my personality makes it much easier for me to run (or do other things like that) when I have a specific goal in mind (like a race or performance or deadline). Two -- I love being a runner and need exercise in my life to keep me sane. Three -- going from no running to marathon in 10 months is possible but darn hard. Four -- it's really hot in Iowa. Five -- carrying your own water in a pack is convenient but pretty heavy. Six -- always buy shoes that fit and have removable insoles. Seven -- running, for me, increases my pain tolerance to the point that I sometimes don't notice pains I really should notice... always pay attention to what your body is saying through your pain. And there's more, but you get the idea.

It's been good. And I'm sorry I have had to revise my original goal, but I'm not sorry I tried. Next year I'll try again. And perhaps next year will be my marathon year.

Contradancing

2007-06-22T20:24:00.001+01:00

Here is a wikipedia article on contradancing... I'm excited that I might actually get to my first contradance in months tonight -- I'm experiencing contra-withdrawal, I think, typically indicated by feet that won't stop moving and a desire to put on a flowy skirt and do a gypsy. =)

GRE for me

2007-06-22T19:42:00.000+01:00

I seem to like acronymns lately...

So I'm preparing for the GRE and finding that my vocabulary isn't as large as I would like to to be... or as large as ETS would like it to be, perhaps is more accurate. Who ever uses words like "multifarious" and "stygian" and "meretricious" and "opprobriate"? I suppose I've heard them somewhere along the line, but... It is now officially my goal to correctly label as many things "stygian" as humanly possible. But I guess I'm not doing too badly on the vocabulary thing -- Mr. ETS says that I'm still decent compared to most of the population of GRE test-takers...

But I'm also finding that I love math and dearly miss it. I lept out of bed this morning, my Sunday, to take the math section of the practice test, which I'd been too sleepy last night to attempt. I spent a whole hour taking the test and then more time correcting my answers. And I had fun! Most of my mistakes were, as they often are, careless. I'm thoroughly amazed that I remember so much. Am I a nerd?

I've decided to stop practicing or studying because the scores I got on the practice exams are scores with which I'm satisfied. But that means that the actual test-taking date is closer than I had originally thought (since I should take them as soon as I can). Which means that I'm starting to feel the adrenaline / anxiety rush of being an academician again... I like it. And, I wonder, am I ready to go back?

Wish me luck!

Meme two

2007-06-22T19:25:00.000+01:00

What five things in my life do I take for granted?

1) Having full use of my hands -- I have always found hands fascinating and recently I've noticed how many things I wouldn't be able to do without them. Piano / organ / guitar, crocheting, typing, writing, back rubs,....

2) Farm fresh food -- I always remember this when I travel, but when I'm here at the farm, I forget that it's not usual to have spinach salad from greens just picked from our gardens the day before or honey from our own bees or milk, yogurt, cheese, ice cream, bagles, danishes, applesauce, etc. all processed on the farm and made with our own products as much as possible

3) A car that works well and money for travel -- I was noticing that this week in thinking about guests at the farm who don't have access to cars. I love the feeling of freedom and options that I have when I have my own mode of transportation (though I try to use it as little as possible). I suspect I would feel trapped if I had no access to easy travel.

4) my Christian upbringing -- I grew up having Bible stories as bedtime stories and going to church and being surrounded by people who were ever trying to live more morally and virtuously. My faith, more than anything else, has given me hope and ability to love, and I was blessed to have such a great jumpstart in the life of faith as a child.

5) Literacy -- I can read, and I love it. I, in fact, have no idea what I'd do if I couldn't read...

And there are many other things, too... but that's five... and laundry is still waiting for me. ;)

So, same folk -- mom, sarahesperanza (sojournersboots.blogspot.com), and monica (link on sidebar)

Meme One

2007-06-22T19:11:00.000+01:00

Five reasons I blog:

1) Friends and family asked me to keep in touch, and I am notoriously bad at writing letters and returning phone calls and e-mails.

2) I don't often massage my ego in such a direct way -- but I find blogging to be, in some ways, refreshingly narcissistic.

3) I fancy myself a decent writer and this gives me an opportunity (as most of you other bloggers have already said) to dip my toes in the waters of writing for public consumption.

4) It is a good way to do some journaling-type-stuff -- processing aloud, as it were, of the many things that happen day to day. It also keeps me thinking about what parts of my life are noteworthy or funny or abnormal or interesting or... Sometimes, otherwise, I'm tempted to take my life for granted.

5) I feel slightly guilty when I don't... And besides, it can be a splendid way to procrastinate on things like... oh... like doing laundry, for example... not that I was supposed to do laundry today and am avoiding it or anything...nope... that's definitely not why I'm blogging right now...ahem...

So I'm supposed to tag someone, but I don't know that I know many bloggers that haven't already been tagged. So mom, you're it (if you catch this); sarahesperanza, you too; and Monica.

NYAC and CoB

2007-06-22T18:47:00.000+01:00

I've lost from my mind some of the things I was going to say about this, but perhaps that simply means that what I've got left in my gray matter is what's really important to say.

From where I'm sitting, it looks like my denomination is dying. I love the Church of the Brethren dearly, and I think it will be tremendously sad for the world when it is no longer. (If you don't know about the Church of the Brethren, check out my link to it on the sidebar or wikipedia it -- surprisingly, there's a pretty impressive entry on us there.) It seems to me that simplicity, service, peace, and community (the four main values indicated in our tagline), not to mention Jesus are precisely what the world needs at the present moment. So... I will stop sermonizing here, but I think you get my point -- I am very sad, for me and for the world, that the Church of the Brethren is not thriving.

However, I am looking for a resurrection, and it became abundantly clear to me at the CoB Young Adult Conference that, if a resurrection happens, it will likely be much because of God's working in the young adults of the denomination.

So YAC was amazingly fun. I wouldn't have gone had I not been asked to coordinate opening worship, but I can't imagine now not wanting to go. The people are amazing, the worships were very meaningful, the values and questions and lives of the young adults there are inspiring. Eighty young adults gathered in a worship space singing clear, spontaneous, unaccompanied, four-part harmony... need I say more?

As for my part in the weekend, it went quite well. Worship planning is one of the things I count among my gifts. I often will have somewhat of an idea about what the worship will look like, but I never know how God is going to flow through it until I actually experience it -- and often it happens that I am filled with awe, not at what I have come up with, but at how God has used the stick hut I constructed as a glorious temple. It was that way again for this worship, giving me no choice but to breathe a prayer of thanks.

So, if you are the praying type, pray for God's will for the Church of the Brethren (though I have to admit that I'm trying to convice God that it is in fact his will for the church to give it the strength to come back...).

And, for all you young adults out there who are Church of the Brethren or all you people who know CoB young adults or all you young adults who wish you were CoB... Next year's gathering of young adults (age 18-35) is in Estes Park, CO. The planning committee is aiming for 250-500 of us next summer. Check out the YYA section of the CoB website for more information. (Or talk to me if you need any convincing!)

I also have a link on the sidebar to A Place Apart's blog (from there you can get on their website, too) -- in my mind this also holds hope for the Church of the Brethren, though this resurrection (as perhaps any resurrection) will likely look much different than a simple recast of the old or even current CoB.

Blitz Blogging

2007-06-22T18:46:00.000+01:00

Watch out... I've got some time and lots of things I've been meaning to blog...
So here I go.

Clarification:

2007-05-31T14:24:00.000+01:00

I love the Catholic Church. I have spent the last year plus going regularly to mass and soaking up everything I could about the Church and its beliefs and practices. And, overall, I appreciate it very much and am in awe of most of what it teaches, professes, and lives.

And I have learned that most of what I learned about the Catholic Church before this year was based on common but incorrect assumptions. Catholics are seemingly more often than not misrepresented by mainstream Protestants.

And this is not something that many of you will understand -- but I invite you to talk to me about it if you want.

And, at the same time, there are some things that sadden me about the Church (like the lavishness of some of the worship spaces) and some things about which I poke a little fun at the Church (like the over-generality that Catholics don't sing very well). Just as there are things that sadden me about the Church of the Brethren and about which I poke fun at the Church of the Brethren. I feel those things, along with the joy and hope in both the CoB and Catholicism, because I deeply love both.

Please understand that this is not the whole story -- for me or for the Church. There are myriad expressions of Catholicism, including the very simple to the very ornate and everywhere in between, including emphasis on music to emphasis on silence and everywhere in between -- indeed, it seems, there are as many expressions of the faith as there are believers who express their faith.

A friend pointed out that I had perhaps misrepresented the Catholic Church in my last post, even as I am frustrated by the many people around me who do so. If so, I apologize. And I invite all you readers to learn more and not just to lean on your already formed ideas of the Catholic Church. You might just like what you learn.

NYC and NYAC

2007-05-31T02:02:00.000+01:00

So here are the results of my glorious (though short) vacation:

I went to NYC first off -- leaving at 4 am for an hour car ride and a two-hour train ride to Grand Central Station. I get the "city that never sleeps" thing -- I was surprised, small-town girl that I am, at how many people were up and fully awake at 5am, 6am, 7am. I actually forgot a few times that it wasn't the middle of the day.

I arrived at GCS, and a subway ride, blackberry donut, bathroom stop, and walk later I arrived at St. John the Divine -- Episcopal Cathedral. I'm sure it is a very impressive structure with very beautiful worship normally. However, at the moment a full 2/3 of it is boarded off completely -- floor to ceiling boards with no opportunity to peek anywhere. The rest of it has the stained glass windows boarded up. And there were two people (other than me) and one priest present for the morning Eucharist... pretty disappointing, but I liked the Episcopal liturgy and it still was a good way to start my day, even if not how I expected it to be.

I then went to the wrong hotel (not my fault) and walked a mile to find the right hotel -- the one that was housing my college's choir for the week before their Carnegie Hall concert. When I found them, I walked through, seeing lots of people I didn't know and a few people I remembered from college. It was fun to get the double-takes, as no one but the director knew that I was going to come.

My director, the accompanist, and a senior from the choir and I went out to a French restaurant for lunch and had lots of fun conversation and way-over-priced food. I enjoyed watching midwesterners ordering posh foods that they couldn't pronounce and "pop" (rather than "soda") and being more disappointed with the tiny portion sizes and somewhat misleading descriptions than with the lack of garnishes or the non-organic-ness... I miss the Midwest and its wholesomeness -- the simplicity and raw honesty of Midwesterners is too rare out here in the East.

I then found my way to St. Patrick's (a Catholic Cathedral) for a quick look around, took a leisurely walk back to the hotel, and watched my choir do another rehearsal. They are incredible!! I have always admired my director -- she has spoiled me into not being able to find a conductor that I'm really excited to sing under (no one else is as good as she is...). I'm pretty sure the choir is even better than when I was in it. And they were singing some really meaningful and really challenging songs, like Peaceable Kingdom, Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day, and a couple of pieces composed by college professors. It all made me really miss singing in a good choir and, even more, conducting a good choir.

After rehearsal, I said goodbye to some folk and headed back to St. Patrick's for Mass at 5:30. On the way, I found myself a street vendor hot dog and peanuts (a must, it seems to me, for any good trip to NYC). Mass was very meaninful. The organ was huge (it probably had more pipes in the choir than in the entire Monterey UCC organ) and was played very well. We sang some of my favorite Catholic songs and the sound resonated incredibly. (I love Catholics. And in many cases they don't really know how to sing very well -- three people actually turned around to look at this girl who was singing on the hymns...I felt like I had a third eye or something, but I kept singing anyway.) The priest gave a good homily and was easy to understand, despite the echo. The Church of the Brethren in me was noticing the lavishness as money that could have been spent on the poor, but the parts of me that are really appreciating the Catholic faith were awed by the mystery and grandeur invoked by the space alone.

And then, alas, my tour in NYC was over. I had more time before the sun set and I had to go to the train, so I ambled (purposefully, though... so as not to look clueless... try ambling purposely sometime -- it's an interesting experience) past homeless people and vendors and tourists and families and street musicians (even singing harmony with a couple of them), past bookstores and theaters and department stores and McDonalds, and I was amazed at the diversity and individuality and stimulation and lack of connection or community. I missed the farm and its simplicity. I stopped by a bookstore to get a drink and browse, found a book on training cats (my, aren't I adventurous ;) ), and finally made it back to GCS to get on a train and relax back into the thought of going home. This small-town girl likes the city and the confident persona she gets to put on when she goes there -- likes the stimulation just as much as the next person. But she is also very relieved to get back to a more familiar pace of life, a more connective way of being.

More later, as I'm getting tired. Time for some Harry Potter reading. But stay tuned for NYAC and how much difference a little "A" can make.

I need a...

2007-05-25T01:56:00.000+01:00

Vacation!!

I need a vacation.

Oh -- did I say, I need a vacation?

But, look -- here it is!

I'm headed to New York tomorrow morning (at 4 am) to brave the city as a midwestern "suburban" girl - turned Berkshire boondocks girl... Thank goodness I lived in Chicago for a bit and am quite adept at not looking clueless...

Off I go. I'll let you know how it is.

Inspiration... how long will it last?

2007-05-09T04:33:00.000+01:00

I was looking at various others' blogs and came away from the experience with a mix of awe, guilt, and inspiration... So I'm going to include links to some of them on the sidebar now for you all to read -- Life in Avalon is the blog of the mother of the family in whose house my apartment is. (did that make any sense? just goes to show that correct grammar is not always the best way to get a point across...). Traveling Shoes is a blog of a friend here at the farm (who I'm trying to convince not to leave, but who is determined to see the world and to do it well).
I figure this will perhaps inspire me to blog more often. Or, if it doesn't, it'll give you all (millions of fans that you are) something interesting to read in the mean time.
I want to go to bed -- I just finished working second shift and have a meeting in the morning...
So no more tonight... but perhaps more soon.

Gould Farm Dictionary, Part 2

2007-02-18T20:49:00.000Z

Hump day / Dump day -- Wednesday... it's the day the farm takes its recycling and trash to the dump on "dump run". Say the word again if you didn't get it the first time. Nao (the guest who came up with that idea), we'll miss you terribly.

Container -- the thing we are supposed to try to put "the elephant" in after we "process" it, but alas the container is usually way too small... Just try keeping a discussion about which stairs to use to less than 15 minutes... And that's only a piece of kale (not even a sixth the size or wiggly-ness of "the elephant").

Piggyback -- if you hear someone say "kale" in a meeting and you are thinking of something like "lettuce", you must do this -- jump in and speak about lettuce because it reminds you of kale or has something to do with kale or could possibly have something to do with kale. And then, if someone hears you say "lettuce" and they are thinking of "Christmas trees", they will in turn piggyback. This is essential to get the full effect of "processing".

Kale -- what is that steamed green stuff on the buffet line, anyway? And haven't we had it every day for the last seven months? Ah, yes, our gardeners grow lots of things, but their forte this year was the ever beloved kale. Thank you, Bastian and Flavio, our chefs with really cute accents, for the harvest report involving the kale cooking competition... It was impressive.

Harvest reports -- the time at Thanksgiving when maintenence men put drills in holsters and cowboy hats on heads and sing opera; when residential people collect adjectives for mad libs involving "Snotty House" and searching for people "in the lagoons"; when farmers recite poetry (but, wait... at GF, that happens year round...); when kitchen folk stage a kale cookoff... You get the point. Join us for Thanksgiving sometime -- it's worth it just for the kale and the harvest reports.

Enough for now... I'm sure I'll think of more as time goes on.

Gould Farm dictionary, abbreviated

2007-02-11T18:04:00.000Z

Broomball -- people on skates, boots, shoes, carrying shovels, brooms, hockey sticks, batting a deflated soccer ball around the pond behind Main House. As you can imagine, lots of flailing to catch balance, lots of confusion as people figure out (or try to) who's on which team, lots and lots of fun.

Sula -- a really good book by Toni Morrison -- get it on tape with her reading it, and it's even better.

Eight -- the number of new guests in the last couple of months; it's a lot at once for us, but we're glad to be almost up to capacity for the first time in quite a while.

Kate Winslet -- the most recent celebrity sighting in Great Barrington. Evidently one of our guests ran into her (quite literally)... she's the newest addition to our critter report.

Critter report -- the blank paper on which people record interesting critters they see. For a while, our Roadside Bear was one of the most popular entries.

Roadside Bear -- this is actually a double entendre... whooda thunk?... Bear was the name of a crazy rock climber / tree sitter guy who was dating one of our volunteers for a while -- he had broken something like 53 bones and fallen out of 3 40-foot trees or something. He was a regular at Roadside until he headed off to climb more mountains and break more bones. He was replaced by an actual bear who visited Roadside every once in a while, almost putting the Roadside Bear in the running for farm mascot.

Process -- to talk about something until you are sure it's dead or you are sure that no one knows what we are talking about anymore

"The Elephant" -- either an animal we are supposed to "get our hands around" or an animal that's evidently in the room, though none of us can see it. He is vying with the Roadside Bear for farm mascot.

Hot Chocolate -- evidently a very effective alarm clock for certain people... Thank goodness it works on two of my toughest wake-ups. Whooda thunk?

Sponges -- one of my pet peeves. I crocheted four dishcloths for East House... thanks, grandma for the yarn and the pattern.

Issues -- the part of any meeting where anything (up to and including which set of stairs we should use to get to the third floor of main house) can be "processed" (see above)

Space heaters -- things they evidently don't sell in the middle of February at K-mart.

Tank tops -- things in abundance in the middle of February at K-mart.

Cleaning and laundry -- things I hate to do but that can "distract" me from running nearly every time... That and blogging (though there's not the "hate factor" with blogging)...

Robert Louis Stevenson -- the writer (I think) who said, in effect, that he hated the act of writing but loved having written.

Running -- a word that I replace with "writing" in the above statement.

The zone -- the thing I'm trying to get to (and do every once in a while) when doing the thing I hate to do but love having done...

Music -- my saving grace (in the case of choir and paino) and the bane of my existence (in the case of organ and guitar)... but I'm determined. Hooray for power trips.

Four months -- hopefully not the amount of time before I blog next...
But, regardless, until I blog again... blessings to you all!

For y'all who have given up on my ever blogging again...

2006-10-17T19:02:00.000+01:00

So, there's no excuse. So I won't even try to give one.
Here's some of what's going on in Laura life.

I'm learning organ from a man in Pittsfield and getting to play on some pretty awesome instruments. What a power trip! And my feet are finally starting to do what I'm telling them to do. My organ teacher is trying to have me build a repertoire for a funeral so that I can start playing for some of those and making money.

I'm on Parish Council for the UCC church (for which I'm also church pianist), and the pastor and I have started having weekly "staff meetings" (just her and me). On Parish Council I'm Mission Chair.

Our new team is coming along. Seth and I have found ourselves doing constant orientation, but people are nearly always holding their own now. We have Mark and Molly at McKee House, Kellen and I at East House, and Seth and Ellen at Orchard House. Pattie switches between the houses and is our manager.

The farm just had another board weekend and is looking toward the holidays -- Halloween being the first... all the way through New Year's.

I've not been reading a lot, but I have been cross stitching a lot again. Soon it will be crocheting weather. Watch out for crocheted Christmas presents... I'm hoping to curb my hands and not go that overboard, but... who knows.

I'm still teaching one of our guests piano and am loving that... making me think that I might offer my services in that way more later in life.

Speaking of later in life, I'm half-heartedly looking into grad schools... but I think I might stay here for another year (making 3 years total)... I have yet to decide that for sure, though.

The pond was cleaned out (all the weeds were raked off the surface) so that we can have a good skating surface when it freezes. I can't believe it's already that time of year again. This year and three months has seemed to fly past.

That's all for now. Feel free to ask me questions -- let me know what you are interested in knowing about. This has become so normal to me that I don't really know what things are exceptional to you / what things you don't know and would like to know.

Take good care of yourselves!

New Links

2006-06-11T17:10:00.000+01:00

Check out the links on the sidebar -- I've now added a link to Sarah's blog and Monica's blog. Both Sarah and Monica were super good friends in college and remain important people to me, and both are incredible writers who have amazing adventures... Happy reading. =)

What should I call this one...?

2006-06-05T03:11:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated my blog... time is getting away from me. There's not all that much new happening other than the normal new stuff -- new volunteers, new guests, new empty rooms...

Katie is leaving in a week or so. :( She will be missed, but she's ready to head out. She'll go to Colorado for a bit before going to Oregon via Australia. Then hopefully she'll become a children's book illustrator / writer. When she becomes famous, I'll loudly boast that she was my friend at Gould Farm...

Orchard House (the brand-spankin'-new guest house) is now open, making residential team stretched. Then add to that the fact that we are at 5 full time people on our team when we should have 8 full time and 1 part time. And then additionally, we are losing our team leader, our most reliable team member, and an important mentor, leaving the most senior person on our team as a person who has been on residential for about a year. Aaacckkk... We'll make it... We don't have much choice about it. But it's going to be a hard summer. Don't be surprised if you don't hear much from me.

Orchard house is beautiful and the guests are loving being there. There's already a living room culture, which is quite refreshing. Some of our long-time guests are leaving, which is really exicting and really sad all in one. It is certainly what they need and it is certainly an opportunity for them to use their many gifts in the world.

I got my computer to work, which means that tomorrow I'll see if I can do some picture taking of my apartment and cats and put them up here. If not tomorrow, it'll be soon.

Thank you, Manchester, for sending us some volunteers. I haven't gotten to meet them much yet, but they seem quite nice, if a bit quiet. And they know how to play Euchre -- it's been 10 months or more since I've played real, seriously-taken Indiana Euchre, and I'm going through some serious withdrawal... I'm trying to get the culture started around here, but it's flopping mostly, unfortunately.

So, if you are the praying type, please pray for the farm in it's staffing crisis and the residential team in it's super-tiredness and long-summer-ahead-ness. If you are not the praying sort, please blow us some good thoughts or something. And regardless of whether you pray or not, please, please, please send anyone you know that might be even somewhat interested in the farm this direction!!!! (every single team on the farm is understaffed right now, with the exception of farm and administration... lots of opportunities!)

Not much else for now... I'll get to updating my book list soon.

April and May Reading List

2006-04-23T17:32:00.000+01:00

DreamGiver -- written by the same man who wrote Prayer of Jabez (a book I refuse to read). Had I not figured this out after reading half of the book, I likely wouldn't have read it. It's okay -- a kind of cutesy, feel-good theology that tends to be too conservative for my beliefs but with a few interesting / important points. But it's a book a friend of mine will love... So I'll pass it on.

Same Soul, Many Bodies -- lent to me by a guest, about reincarnation and healing through hypnosis and progression / regression into past and future lives. It was fascinating and slightly convincing (I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to reincarnation). But I'd still have to see it to believe it. Really interesting read, though.

Angels and Demons -- prequel to DaVinci Code with much the same structure. If you are careful not to believe most of the pieces presented in the story, it's a great read. Picks up as a theme the tension between science and religion. I'll let you know more of what I think when I get it finished.

Welcome, Mud Season!

2006-04-03T22:11:00.000+01:00

Spring is sprung,
The grass is riz.
I wonder where the flowers is...

It's mud season -- how appropriate for lent -- which means that it's raining a lot and dirt roads (which are plentiful here) are pretty much impassable. But, it is certainly the herald to spring!

Blessings to you all as signs of life slowly (or quickly in some cases) reappear!

February and March Reading List

2006-03-29T05:45:00.000+01:00

State of the Union and Democratic Response -- interesting, frustrating, well done in spots, worth reading, especially if you want to feel like an informed citizen and happened to be working on the night when it was delivered.

1984 by George Orwell -- I'm listening to it while I crochet and it very much gives me things to think about... disturbing in its "this-could-happen-ness". I love his thoughts around language and newspeak. I had to return it before I was finished with it... bummer. I'll pick it up again sometime, I'm sure.

Papal Encyclical given by Pope Benedict XVI -- I was quite impressed both with writing and organization and with his dealings with the subject matter. Some of it is really, really Catholic, and many parts are good challenges for any Christian. I have a much different opinion of this pope now than I did before I read the encylical.

The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman -- Excellent! Fantasy / future novel with quite a bit of substance -- theology, sociology, philosophy,... -- as well as entertainment value. The first in a trilogy called His Dark Materials. I love the way he gives people's souls form with daemons (each character has a different animal that "personifies" his or her psyche).

Out of Her Mind: Women Writing on Madness -- a compilation of essays of mental illness and its treatment. It includes pieces by Dorothea Dix, Nellie Blye, Charlotte Perkins Gillman, Kate Millet, Zelda Fitzgerald, and other famous women writers. Interesting fact: madness (hysteria) was originally connected very strongly with women and their wombs (hyster=womb). This book does a good anecdotal history of mental illness as it affects women.

The Hours by Michael Cunningham -- I love his writing style! And the way he interweaves the stories is fascinating. It's one of those that I'm having a hard time putting down (which hasn't happened for a while). I'm going to have to read Mrs. Dalloway next, because The Hours is strongly based on that story, evidently. It does have several hard themes... but deals with them well, I think. (Also, it was made into a movie, which is quite good as well.)

The Odd Sea -- like the jacket says, a good book for a first novel. I wasn't hugely impressed, but it was worth reading. I'm sure that if this author writes more he will find himself quite sucessful. I didn't quite get the connection with the Odyssey, though, or with Hamlet (both of which were invoked).

It's not Easy Being Green -- quotes from Jim Henson and about Jim Henson. Cute little book and extremely quick read.

The Trouble With Poetry by Billy Collins -- great collection of poetry (his newest, I think). He is quite quickly climbing my list of favorite poets!

Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh -- I had a really hard time getting through this but read it on Seth's recommendation. Thus, it must be that some people (like Seth) really enjoy the book and find the dialogue witty and fascinating, while others (like me) find it too Jane-Austen-esque to be very interesting... So perhaps you all should try reading it sometime and tell me what you think!

More exciting news...

2006-03-19T16:30:00.000Z

I now am the owner of two beautiful and very nice cats. Elsa, 1 year old and gray and white, is super skinny right now because she just decided to eat this morning after starving herself for four or five days -- she'll get more beautiful as she fattens up again. Gabby is a gorgeous 2-year-old brown tabby with white nose, bib, and paws. She has a permanent grumpy-face -- her nose is too big and her ears are set too far back -- but she is one of the sweetest cats I've ever met (which is saying a lot!). They both slept with me last night (progress, as they haven't up to this point been able to be on the bed together) -- Elsa at my calves and Gabby under the covers by my side. They are both huge cuddle-butts but are getting more playful as they get more used to their surroundings. I'll try to post pictures as I have them (and as I figure out how to get pictures from my camera onto the computer).

Can you tell I'm excited about having cats? It's been five years (way too long!) without cats...

Oh, and I got fabric to make curtains for my apartment. How exciting! Now, if only I had my sewing machine and sewing box here with me... Thanks to Shelly for letting me borrow hers.

But for now, my apartment looks hurricane-ravaged. So it's off to do some cleaning before I head to Stockbridge Festival Chorus.

Help! Too many beautiful cats!

2006-03-11T21:25:00.000Z

I'm in the process of picking a cat (or possibly two). Here are my choices at this point:
Lyra -- white calico with lots of energy, eight months old. Like MacGyver (my brother's cat) in that once she starts playing, she never wants to stop, but she can be quite affectionate in the right moment.
Gabby -- gray tiger (looks like Ernie, one of my former cats). Shy but not defensive. 2 years old, trusting, definite lap cat. Not sure how playful she is... Great motor.
Brie -- black with white nose, eight weeks old. Kitten-like playfulness. Doesn't really like being held but is sociable and would probably become moreso.
Elsa -- white with gray splotches, one year old. Lap cat and shy but more curious and outgoing than Gabby. Also has a good motor.
Such a hard decision...! Any suggestions? =)
PS: as of today (Monday), I think I'm going to adopt Gabby and Elsa tomorrow... we'll see...

Exciting news...

2006-03-04T17:39:00.000Z

Some of you heard that my original housing situation stopped working a while ago -- personal and farm conflicts made it a bit of an unpleasant place to live. I've been living in a room in a tiny house, but I applied for another house on farm. I was just told yesterday that I was given the apartment in Avalon!! Avalon is a family house with an apartment attached, and the family that will be moving in is a great family. Stephanie and Matthew are my age with a very well-behaved son named Benjamin (now 14 months) and another baby on the way. My apartment is attached to their house and yet is enough separate that I can completely treat it as my own space -- the best of both worlds (shared housing and individual housing). I have a small bedroom, a large living room, and a nice bathroom. Laundry is in the basement (I'll be sharing it with the McMahons). The house is less than a minute walk from main house and a three minute walk from Topside (the volunteer house). And I can now have a cat!!! It'll take a bit to really move in and figure out what furniture I need / want... and I don't have a phone yet... but I'm uber excited!

Correction of assumptions...

2006-02-28T14:30:00.000Z

For the sake of clarity, which is usually, I find, a good thing:

I don't know how far the word has gotten that I have a boyfriend... so I'm choosing to correct it with my blog rather than trying to catch it individually. I do not, in fact, have a boyfriend. I have a friendboy who is really important to me (Seth), but with whom I have no dating or marriage future -- he wants to be a priest, and I can think of nothing better for him to be. This does not disappoint me when I think about it -- I am quite happy with our friendship, I am sure that we will be committed to our friendship regardless of where we both go, and I remain generally content in my singlehood. So I appreciate the concern/excitement and desire to know/understand that has prompted the rumors, but I wanted to make sure the rumors are truthful before they spread any further. I promise that if/when I have a boyfriend I will let you all know and pass around pictures, etc. =)

I love you all...!

Winter Olympics, GF style

2006-02-28T13:31:00.000Z

As Shizuka Arakawa skated flawlessly to gold in Torino, as Sasha Cohen came in a disappointing second, as Bode Miller got disqualified right and left, and as China won their first Winter Olympic medal, the real drama was being played out in the Berkshire Mountains of Massachussetts...

The opening ceremony this year, Wed, Feb. 22, did not involve togas, but it did involve trumpets and a bonfire and a torch and a German "wolunteer" (couldn't resist, Bastien) running around the pond. After that, the big news was that Tim won gold in woodsplitting and then came back to be quite competitive in partner sawing, winning a second gold with Edd. Between the opening ceremony and the wood splitting, there was a pick-up game of curling with brooms and logs on the pond. Evidently no winner was able to be determined.

Thursday was packed with events as Kevin and Matt swept the field in the Fox and Socks speed reading competition, coming in a full minute ahead of all the other competitors. Who knew that people's tongues could go that fast. It was reported that their tongues were indeed numb at the end, requiring some special treatment from the medics on site. Also on Thursday were the Blind Seed Relay Pair Competition, akin to planting a garden blindfolded, and the Olympic Taste Bud Competition, in which competitors tested their knowledge of ingredients by tasting four kinds of Harvest Barn squash soup. Are we out of squash yet?

The Olympics then took a break for the weekend, resuming on Sunday with the Maintenence Iron Person Competition. It was reported that two kitchen folk were reminded of how they were not "cut out" for Maintenence men after coming in nearly last and both cutting themselves in the process. Too bad the only safety equipment they were required to don was on their heads... The medics looked at the cuts, looked at the burns the two had earlier gotten from the kitchen, took into account the high pain tolerance of kitcheners and shrugged.

Monday, the farm team sponsored two relays. The van pull required competitors to pull the Blunder Bus (there is speculation that it has more duct tape than metal in it) from one side of the tarmac to the other in teams of four, with one person steering the vehicle and drinking coffee and doing something else that reporters can't remember right now. The other relay at the farm involved wheelbarrows and sawdust and pigpens. The same day at dinner was the chili cook-off, sponsored by the kitchen, in which Gould Farmers stuffed themselves on chili and then voted on their favorite. Evidently number five was only for the most daring of ingestors, as it was essentially fire in a bowl.

Today Olympics continue with the Roadside Store Pancake Relay, where teams of three appoint one person to make and flip a pancake, one person to catch a pancake on a plate from across the room, and one person to eat the entire thing. Knowing Roadside pancakes, reporters are agreed that all three jobs would be hard, but the last is perhaps the most strenuous. We will await the results with mouths watering. Administration is also sponsoring a scavenger hunt at one this afternoon. Stay tuned to find out who wins that event.

Tomorrow, the last day of the Olympics, a late-breaking event has been announced based on the constant fascination with those little number squares that has passed over the farm like an epidemic. Finally, logicians will have their moment in the sun (or snow, as it may be), putting their skills to use tomorrow afternoon during lunch. And then, on Wednesday, February 29th in this year 2006, GF Winter Olympics IX will close with awarding of medals. Stay tuned for the results.

(Contributed by the GFP)

Katie has such an active mind...

2006-02-18T17:18:00.000Z

Poem written by Katie, GF volunteer extraordinaire... we never know what kinds of creative, odd, random, hilarious things are going to come out of her super-active brain...
To be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" or some other waltz (and still a bit unfinished):

Llamas and peanuts and happy nice people
who love you and hug you and fly to the moon,
roses and teacups and smelling the angels
and having a party with someone you know,
nice apple flowers that talk to the towers
of Doppler and radar and peachy fleece cheese.
There is a notion that comes from the ocean
that creases vice velveteen Spanish rice sneeze.

On that note, have a great day!

Ah, time....

2006-02-02T16:51:00.000Z

It's been a while, eh? (that seems to lately have been the first line of all my IMs and e-mails, unfortunately)

Things here have been complicated of late, but nonetheless fulfilling and important. The clinical director left the farm rather abruptly, causing some difficult discussions among staff. Two guests were asked to leave the farm and two more were suspended for bringing and using alcohol and drugs on campus. The discussion around that has been very life-giving; we are tackling hard subjects as a community and are coming out better for it. And yet it's still quite difficult to be in the midst of at times, for guests and staff alike.

Orchard house, our newest guest residence, is soon to be occupied -- furniture arrives next week and people will probably be able to move in near the end of February. That means some gearing up in the residential team to help coordinate the move and figure out paperwork and systems in the new house. Also, the other two houses are getting new furniture and carpeting... how fun!

There are quite a few new guests and some new staff, making the community morph in different directions, some of which are unclear as of yet. It continues to be amazing to me how much the community acts as an organism in itself and how much the feel of the community as a whole changes with the entrance and exit of individuals. Thus, the interests of the community are constantly changing; a few months ago chess was huge, then music, now theater and movies and Scrabble... It makes planning a good activities calendar a fun challenge.

In the mean time, I keep wanting to learn how to iceskate backwards and keep not having a chance -- the weather is cold one day and warm the next, making for bad or nonexistant ice. Instead, I've been crocheting an afghan and reading and practicing piano and socializing with friends on my off time. I hope to find a way to learn pottery soon, but have yet to find a teacher.

Last week, on a bit of a whim, I went to the Atlantic Ocean in Connecticut and watched a sunrise on the beach, collected some great shells, and generally enjoyed being on my own in the peace and quiet. It reminds me of how much exploring there is to do around here and of how much I need to continue to plan that into my time here.

Today I'm working on laundry and practicing piano for church on Sunday before I head back to work tonight. Sometimes I just love working nights and having days off!

My friends are incredible and my church is amazing, as I continue to tell you all... it continues to be true, in fact becoming more and more true (or at least I'm noticing it more and more).

In all this and other things, I find that God has drawn me to precisely the place I need to be -- I couldn't imagine being anywhere else right now. God is good, inspite of (more accurately perhaps, because of) the mystery of Her ways.

I finally get around to saying "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"

2006-01-03T14:13:00.000Z

It's been a busy and intense month, and yet it's been lots of fun. There are many traditions at the farm around the holidays, and the residential team, as farm activities planners, was in charge of coordinating all of them. The biggest tradition was "bringing down the tree" in which we sing carols as we travel up the hill behind main house, where we find a perfect tree that has magically (by way of Forestry and Grounds team cutting it down and "replanting" it at the top of the hill) grown there. We then "cut it down" and drag it back down the hill and into the living room, where we continue singing and telling stories and making ornaments while we decorate the tree as a community. It went quite well and was fun for all involved, but it also involved a lot of ahead of time planning and stress.

Other traditions include the following: lighting of a tree outside while singing carols (this year it had to be a maple because our spruce has grown too tall); Christmas eve dinner; New Year's eve dinner; yankee swap (white elephant gifts); gift giving to the guests; Christmas brunch; Christmas day activities; New Year's eve activities (dance, etc.); sending Christmas cards to the families of all the guests who have been here over the year; wreath making; decorating the farm; and it feels like I'm forgetting things... That's all on top of our normal duties at night and driving during the day. And we are understaffed (6 people on our team). And half of our team (Seth, Michelle, Rebecca) went home over Christmas. Needless to say, it's been lots of work and lots of extra hours that didn't get recorded.

So I hope you'll forgive me for not having blogged for quite a while...

All that said, it has really been fun seeing the holidays play out here at the farm and seeing all our hard work being rewarded through the excitement and "at-home-ness" of many of the guests.

I also had a lot of fun with music this season -- I was leading a farm choir that was quite proud of itself (and I was quite proud of it) because most of the people who sang had little previous choir experience; I was part of a choir (quartet / quintet / trio) at church that sang for Christmas eve service and Christmas morning; I got to play piano for the first Sunday of December, the Sunday before Christmas, Christmas Sunday, and New Year Sunday (playing out of my new Chris Rice piano book that I LOVE!). I think the music did a lot to keep me sane through the busyness.

I also was working my normal shifts at the general store (14 hours a week) but am now finding that I can't maintain that level of commitment to the store and still maintain my mental health. Thus, I've cut my hours there in half, leaving me only working one day a week. Also, my schedule at the farm changed to a schedule I'm really excited about... I now work Tuesday night, Wednesday day (at the general store), Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday day (at the farm), Saturday day (at the farm). Thus, I get the following time off: Thursday from 9-5, Friday evening, Saturday evening, Sunday all day, Monday all day, and Tuesday until 4. It's like having a three-day weekend every week! and that comes after feeling like I had a 0-day weekend... I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself! ;)

In the midst of all that, here at the farm I'm cultivating a couple of the most significant friendships I've ever experienced -- it's amazing to me how quickly I've gotten to know people deeply here. Much of it comes from living, working, and playing with the same group of people most of the time. I'm also still loving the connections I have with the church folk and with the town (through the general store). Our Bible study has taken a break for the holidays and I'm noticing how much I miss it!

Mom and Dad and Matt came to the farm just after Christmas and seemed to enjoy themselves here. Unfortunately, they were only here for two and a half days... but we packed those as full as we could! It was good to see them and to be able to introduce them to people and show them around my stomping grounds. Maybe they'll come back again in the spring when it's not such cold weather. =)

K.... I should go do more laundry (there's lots of it that I, not too surprisingly, haven't gotten to for a while) and let you get on with your lives... Please know that you all are loved and missed... come visit sometime if you get a chance!

December and January book list

2005-12-10T17:30:00.000Z

To Begin at the Beginning: An Introduction to Christianity -- by Martin Copenhaver, wonderful book! There's nothing astoundingly new for someone who has grown up with Christianity, but Copenhaver states things in thought-provoking ways and raises many good topics to ponder. Would be a good book for a committed Sunday school or Bible study.

Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in Our Lives -- excellent, as well! The best nonfiction book I've read in quite a while. It explores kinds of friendships, social expectations around friendships, etc. Thoughtful and well-written.

The Mermaid Chair -- by Sue Monk Kidd (author of Secret Life of Bees), I actually liked it even more than I did SLoB; it's about a middle aged woman who rediscovers herself when she goes back home to help her mother; some of the morality I didn't agree with, but it's a great read!

Memoirs of Pontius Pilate -- drier than I thought it would be, but still fairly good. It's hard for me to tell how much of it is true. An interesting take on the life of Jesus in relation to the culture of the time, though.

October and November book list

2005-12-01T00:27:00.000Z

I'm finding that I'm going through books too quickly to continue a running book list. I've also decided that I'll clue you in on all the books I've read, even the ones I didn't like... just FYI.

The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd, wonderful! A quick and good read with many solid literary elements and lovely themes. Even a few proverbs here and there -- were I to teach a young adult literature class, I might consider this as part of curriculum)

The Writing Life (Annie Dillard, I wasn't thrilled with this book. It was too abstract for me and a bit rambling and hard to follow. It's short, though, so if you're curious...)

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal (wonderfully irreverant, lots of sarcasm and cynicism but never crossed the line into despair. I appreciated the underlying message, too.)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (good quick read, better than #1. I wish I would have read the book before watching the movie.)

New York!

2005-11-18T19:22:00.000Z

The most interesting thing going on recently was my trip to New York. I had been to Ellis Island once before but had otherwise not been to the Big Apple until I went last Sunday with Seth and Katie. We drove to a train station and then took public transportation the rest of the day. I was expecting really pushy people (here in Monterey, to be called a "New Yorker" is one of the worst insults possible -- they are thought of as pushy, demanding, noisy, and aggressive), but I found that they were not much different than people I encountered when I lived in Chicago. Some amount of pushiness and confidence (or over-confidence) is required for survival in a city, it seems. Barring that, New Yorkers were actually quite pleasant.

Grand Central Station is huge! Our train came into that station and we loitered for a while, staring at the constellations on the ceiling, watching people as they hurried to catch trains, and wandering past numerous little stands and stores.

We first went to the little red lighthouse of children's storybook fame (The Little Red Lighthouse and the Great Gray Bridge). It stands under the George Washington Bridge, and, though it would be enormous in other settings, the lighthouse was absolutely dwarfed by the monstrosity of the bridge. Even more fun than actually seeing the lighthouse was seeing Seth's glee (and frolicking) at finally seeing it himself. It's been a long-time ambition for him. =)

Next, we were planning to go through Central Park but, as usual, things always take much longer in cities than you think they're going to take. Instead, because we were getting hungry, we went to an Italian restaurant in the theater district, via a corner of Central Park. There we found the plaque in honor of Seth's friend's half-sister and a very lonely woman sitting in front of it who wanted to hear all about the farm and tell us all about New York. After we talked to her for a while, she told us that we had made her evening. That conversation, in combination with the delicious pizza, the company of Seth and Katie, and a toast of wine "to Gould Farm and being away from it", made for a wondrously satisfying meal.

After we finished, the sun was setting, so we walked to Times Square and the Rockefeller Center, hitting 5th Avenue and Broadway on the way to and from. People were ice skating to classical music at the Rockefeller Center, making a romantic setting in the middle of the city. At Times Square the lights were so bright it was nearly as light as a cloudy day, regardless of the sun's having already set. That was a bit of a sensory overload for me... And as I was watching all the glitz and glamour, I tried not to concentrate too much on the five homeless people I had seen in the previous block, for better or worse wanting not to fill my mind with thoughts of injustice that I could not, at that point, combat.

Near Times Square we bought some candied almonds from a street vendor, which, after the NY pretzel earlier in the afternoon, felt like a nearly complete cultural food picture of NYC (all I need now is a Central Park hot dog). Oh -- I forgot to tell you about the two drummers with four drums and two stools who got on the subway at one station, sat down and did a five minute concert, and then got off at another station. Ah, the city and its diversity and possibility...

After all of this, the time came for the original reason for journeying into the city -- The Lion King at the New Amsterdam Theater on Broadway! I was expecting it to be good but perhaps not as good as all the reviews I had heard. But, holy cow!, it was even better than the reviews had led me to believe it would be. The costuming and the music, the sets and the dancing... were simply incredible!! Definitely worth the money I paid (I won't tell you how much... it's somewhat embarrassing, especially in light of the homeless folk we passed. I'm a volunteer but I'm still pretty spoiled.)! The creativity was stunning.

Finally, tired and ready to get back to farm life, we went to the train station just in time to catch a train that would get us to the car by 12:00am and home at 1:00am, where we fell into bed, completely satisfied with a fun day in NYC.

Monterey UCC

2005-11-02T13:27:00.000Z

This new link (both in the title of the blog and on the sidebar) is the website of the United Church of Christ I go to in Monterey. Just FYI. =) The picture on the website is the entire "downtown" of Monterey. The tallest building is the church (called the Monterey meeting house). The second building on the left (including the library, which is the tiny offset building on the left edge of the picture) is the Monterey General Store at which I work part time. The other buildings are town offices and, I think, a real estate company. You can't see the post office, but it's just past the general store. Isn't it a pretty town?

Attitude Check

2005-11-01T03:01:00.000Z

A friend of mine just talked to me about how we choose each day how we are going to respond to life... Ah, how true... And yet how hard to live by! Isn't it so much easier to blame other people for our difficulties / emotions / attitudes? God grant the grace...
I am currently on vacation from the farm, taking a quick tour of Indiana before heading back. I am reminded once again of how many meanings the word "home" has had for me in the last few years. Now I talk about coming home to IN and then going home to MA. I suppose it's much better to have too many homes than to not have enough homes. =) I'm grateful for all the people who make my "homes" possible.
I am glad for the opportunity to step away from the sometimes-intensity of the farm. From the outside I'm seeing even more clearly how "right" it is (if there is such a thing as absolute right) for me to be in MA for the time.
K... enough rambling... I'm headed off to watch Will and Grace (one of my favorite TV shows; TV, incidentally, is something I don't have at the farm and don't often miss... but it's nice to have some time to veg in front of the tube for now). I apologize for the length between blogs and recommit myself (as much as possible) to go back to once-a-week posts. But in the mean time, feel free to let me know what kinds of things you would like to see on here -- sometimes I feel like I'm running out of ideas and thus typing without purpose.
Until I talk to you next, blessings, friends!

Farm Life in the Fall

2005-10-12T00:31:00.000+01:00

I'm enjoying the fall here, even though the leaves aren't as beautiful as normal (so they say... I still think they're great). The summer's been dryer and warmer than it generally is, making the leaves reticent to change color which, some predict, will make most of them simply turn brown and fall off. Still, there are many vibrant colors -- my favorite is the Virginia Creeper, a vine that turns crimson-red and runs its way along trees and power lines, reminding me that I am indeed alive and capable of awe.

This past weekend was a rough weekend for Monterey. Rain came steadily for nearly 48 hours, without stopping or letting up more than twice. Many basements are flooded and many dirt roads are impassable. On the farm, Diane's Trail lost part of a bridge and is messy at the moment, and one of our front fields was partly flooded.

Work here continues as normal, with me feeling less like someone who is pretending to be a residential advisor and more like someone who really is a residential advisor. I am also feeling like I'm a real part of the community here. I'm starting to be able to relax back into who I am and not feel the need to be someone/something different; to be able to spend less energy trying to connect on what felt like a sometimes artificial level and spend more energy bringing my gifts and personality to every situation.

The choir is starting slowly but surely. I'm still having trouble finding music that people can gather together around. Hymns and classics have been good for the groups I've heretofore been a part of, but neither seem to work as well with this population.

I've had some really great conversations with guests here about the nature of community, the necessity of trust, and the impact of integrity and confidence, reminding me that every person has things both to teach and to learn. Besides that, I've gotten beaten in chess more times than I've kept track of, yet I've almost beaten one of the best chess players on the farm. So, my brother... your attempts to teach me chess did work at least a little bit. =)

Seth and I are just commenting on the idea of "smoosh time" and saying how much we love our boss... Shelly trusts us to use our 40 hours each week in the ways that will be most helpful to us and to the farm -- therefore, for example, I can work extra today and take an extra break on another day if that makes the most sense. It's so great that she trusts us that much. Far from giving us something to take advantage of, she inspires us to work up to our potential. How great!!

'K... I'm still in the residential office and even though I'm not working, I feel like I'm still at work. Time for me to go home and do some Laura stuff... In the mean time, here's a question for you to ponder -- What's the nature of Truth? (is it absolute? relative? knowable? incomprehensible?...)

Iona Community Link

2005-10-06T14:18:00.000+01:00

I just added a link, mostly for the benefit of my friend Seth, but also for anyone who wants to know more about the Iona Community -- they are an ecumenical group in Scotland (and around the world) that has an intentional Christian community on the island of Iona. I spent 8 weeks there last summer as a volunteer housekeeper and really enjoyed it. Their resource group puts out some really great music and other books... check it out! If you have questions, let me know...

Book List

2005-10-03T20:10:00.000+01:00

August and September Book list revised (new ones starred):
"A book is a great book when the characters make us care enough about them to let them live, love, and hate on in our head long after their final epitaph on the page." ~Renita Weems

*Listening for God: A Minister's Journey Through Darkness and Doubt (at least, I think that's the title... by Renita Weems, well-written, exceptional content, good reference and not a really long or intense read)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (not bad... a good light / quick read, I recommend reading it before you watch the movie)

Making a Literary Life: Advice for Writers and Other Dreamers (really great practical and humorous look at the life of an author, esp. a fiction novelist, written by Carolyn See)

The Art of Being a Healing Presence (a pretty good description of what kinds of things my job entails)

An Unquiet Mind (memoir of a psychiatrist who struggled with bipolar -- a really great discription of the disease)

The Day the Voices Stopped (memoir of a man with schizophrenia -- another really good discription of mental illness)

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (like the movie, only a bit better)

Reviving Ophelia (good points about the effects of culture on adolescent girls; perhaps a bit outdated but still good)

Gathering Blue (if you liked the Giver [a must read, by the way] you'll probably like this one too)

(Also, be sure to look at comments for more suggestions [and comment yourself]... some wonderful ideas of books to read... So many books, so little time!)

Parent and family weekend

2005-09-25T14:05:00.000+01:00

This weekend has been full and interesting, as parents and family of guests have been around. That brings a lot of energy and a different complexity to guests' lives / farm life.

The stages of dealing with mental illness are strikingly similar to the stages of grief, both for family and for the people dealing with the illness: shock, denial, anger, guilt, despair, acceptance. It seems to be this way because coping with mental illness involves, at least in part, a redefinition of self; grieving for the "past self" and defining a "new self" is a difficult but natural part of the illness. Thus, it has been really enriching this week to see parents in the various stages of that grief process. Also, guests here struggle, as do many adults, it seems, with finding a good adult child relationship to their parents.

The new energy and conversation that the parents and family bring are great to have on the farm. It seems we get used to our routines and patterns of interacting, and having new folks here is a good reminder to continue to examine our interactions with each other.

In other news, the first day of fall brought chilly weather, making the broken windows in my room more than just a "thing to fix eventually". Cate, the top executive here, offered to arrange a tuner for the piano at Fairview (my house)!! (at this point, it's so badly out of tune that I can't handle playing it)

Time for me to go to church... Take care of yourselves and each other.

Residential people

2005-09-17T14:08:00.000+01:00

These are people on my team (again, names you might hear now and then):

Shelly -- our supervisor, energetic, new dog owner, artist, really good at making her needs known in a helpful way, thoughtful and compassionate, intentional about most things she does

Michelle -- staff, process oriented, working toward being a nurse, quiet and straightforward, likes driving (which is good because many of the rest of us don't, particularly)

Mark -- staff, methodical and deliberate,
{I must stop and tell you this... the parrot outside the window, between laughing and asking for a cigarette, just acted like a chicken... Ya gotta love Patron, the man-eating parrot! Back to Mark...}
just got medication certified with me, used to be a lobster boat sailor, has (among other antiques) two pair of antique glasses frames that he uses

Rebecca -- staff, great curly hair, artist, wears huge-brimmed hats and looks good in them, laid back but very effective at what she does, very trusting and yet not naive, leads things like tubing trips, massage therapist, hoping to study dance therapy

Seth -- volunteer, very Catholic and very proud of it, thinking about becoming a priest, loves to laugh, is more anal than I am, and (get this...) asks even more questions than I do, compassionate and intuitive

So, as you perhaps can begin to see, it's a strong team with wonderful people who are different but balance each other out in their differences. Unfortunately we're usually all in the same place for only about two hours a week... And there's room for at least one more person (though there's a proposal for more staffing down the road), so if you know of anyone... give them a nudge. Or if you are that person, check out the link to Gould Farm and then give me (or the farm) a call or an e-mail or something.

Alright... I'm off to rest and see if I can make friends with this noisy imitator of just about everything who has a penchant for eating fingers... Yay, Patron.

Hebrews 10:24 scripture jam

2005-09-10T14:16:00.000+01:00

As promised, I will occassionally include some of my writing, etc. I welcome feedback, and I would love for people to use the writing in whatever way they find it helpful -- one thing I ask is that you let me know if you use it (perhaps when and for what).

Hebrews 10:24
N: And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds
1: provoke
2: I like that word
1: provoke
2: to anger
3: to incite
2: to agitate
3: to antagonize
N: And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds
4: WAIT! Provoke has to be the wrong word.
1: provoke
2: to incite
3: love?
4: It’s too strong. Why not “let us encourage one another”?
N: And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds.
1: provoke
2: to stir up emotion
3: emotion that must become action
2: Emotion…
3: called out…
2: to become action.
1: provoke
4: tangible love
3: love called out
2: called out so strongly
1: that it must grow hands and feet
2: love that must be living
3: and breathing
2: in the world.
(pause)
4: But how?
(pause)
N: And let us consider
[read on top of each other so it lines up as shown (vertically)]
1: And let us consider how to provoke
2: think about how
3: how to provoke
4: provoke
[separate again]
1: spur on
2: incite
3: call out
1: living love
2: daring good deeds
4: But how?
(pause)
3: Brothers and sisters,
1: let us consider, together, how
All: to provoke love and good deeds

Schedule

2005-09-06T19:44:00.000+01:00

I am part of the residential team, which provides support to guests during nights and evenings and provides daytime driving for guests and support to other teams.

I work two dayshifts each week, driving people to appointments and doing random projects like cleaning up the video room, helping the garden team if they need more hands, organizing games and proposing more games to buy for the community, etc.

I also work three night shifts each week, being mostly at one guest house from 6pm to 9am. That includes talking and listening to guests, playing games and fostering good time use, helping people organize personal and common spaces, helping develop a "living room culture" at the house, helping people develop and use coping skills (in a very limited and careful way, but especially surrounding sleep) , and observing for anything unusual. In many ways during that time I am eyes and ears for the clinical staff. When I'm on at night, I'm one of only three staff who are working (although there are always at least two others who are on call). I can sleep from 10:30p to 6:30a but am always available to guests by knock on my door. Thus, some nights I get great sleep, while other times sleep is limited and/or segmented. This part of my job, especially, is like being paid to be a healing presence (still a bit of an amazing concept to me...).

Two days a week I work at the Monterey General Store. That is nice because it helps me make connections off the farm and in the surrounding community; it's also a very tangible and immediate and process-based job (a good contrast with my farm job, which is intangible, long-term, and more of an art than a set process). Besides, the money will be nice (they call us volunteers at the farm for fairly good reason).

Hope that helps those of you who were wondering...

Fairview People

2005-09-03T15:02:00.001+01:00

These are the people who live with me in my house -- you'll likely hear their names every once in a while:

Edd -- former mayor of a small town in NY, in his 60s, quite boistrous with a great radio voice, loves to talk about anything that involves opinions, maintenence man extraordinaire

Ben -- Church of the Brethren by birth, in his early 20s, maintenece man extraordinaire two, calm but confident young man who thinks deeply and works hard.

Sarah -- psychology graduate from Missouri, 22 years old, quite bubbly, has a boyfriend and a hampster, one of which we are pet sitting for the week ;), part of the Roadside team and the McKee School team.

Marcelle -- mellow, compassionate woman of 37ish, garden team, dancer, worked in a mental hospital before coming here, from TN, family was living in New Orleans.